the first time

2009-06-05T07:32:00.003-07:00

friday 5th june.

it was the final time that i was dancing for the college. i had a new feeling towards the performance. though i made mistakes; lose my counts and focus, any trace of disappointment evident, was not directed to these reasons at all. not a bit. the overwhelming disappointment came from the fact i do not know my reason for performing. for who? they arent my parents; majority are strangers.

dont tell me that shouldnt be the attitude of a real dancer- no matter what kind of audience sat before you, you dance like queen elizabeth is watching. im sorry, but im just not that great.. wouldnt it be great that someone remembered that you danced? even if it means to laugh at your awkwardness, at least you are remembered for a dance..

im upset, definitely. disappointed bursting the max perhaps, 'cause it had been so long since this kinda familiar and stinky feeling last evaded.

and i thought we dont go back on our words..

that aside, i came to realised if life allows me to dance and nothing else.. i would just love it and excel. haha, sounds 'oldies' but yar. moreover, i love the company- bubbly bunch of prancing beings.. lovely! and definitely i miss coach like helll yeaaaaaaa.

i would love to sit in somedays and just see dance. it's the best relaxation i can ever have!

well well, what's without pictures right? head on to facebook, tons would be uploaded there i guess.. NANA, im waiting huh! :)

dance.rs '08,09 <3

2009-05-09T04:12:00.000-07:00

everyday, the avoidance sydrome mounts despite knowing the fact it's fatal to leave it as it is?
my books are growing more like strangers to me and it's stressful. im losing but that doesnt mean i suck, and you dont have to be nasty to brag your win and your supriority. im becoming more like a dull ass surrounded by shit; whiney and just clueless about what to do? growing increasing tired about stuffs, i sometimes wonder what do i have to do when a whole long list of stuffs are right there piled up. maybe the words etc etc etc sum up best.

it's like ahhhhhh, help! but what, and where specifically? i dont know.

2009-04-03T08:49:00.000-07:00

NLT is the next sensational thing! this band exists like for a looong time ( i think) but i just got exposed to their music today. only today! 4 members, and i got drawn to one- JJ. at first, i thought they were like backstreet boys, nsync rather? which until now, that thinking still stands. there's just some similarities among these bands. One thing for sure though, NLT dances reeeally well. check out JJ's moves in youtube (JJ bursts a move!) and some live actions. i've got a whole playlist of their music which i just compiled. awesome!

now you know what i mean? :)

NLT- not like them

indeed!

2009-03-16T23:21:00.001-07:00

when yearning for the care, love and concern doesnt reap any happy notes;
that's the sign that reliance is foolish;
when you're screamed at time and again,
perhaps like a verbal punching bag,
that's the sign that independence is a desperate need.
If that's attain,
you're in control of everything.
you can slap the mouth that bit you and probably rip it apart too.
to embrace fear is part of the despearte need.
to forgo some humanity is the opportunity cost, i suppose.
just heed the long stated fact that silence is golden.
let your actions prove it?
not after lots of misunderstandings and mental struggles.
quit hoping for a helping hand.
the best would be just cry through your pillows
cause your wails are muffled, and no one knows.
then bring on the mental fight,
and the cycle continues.

as you can see,
my reservations still exist.
if not, i wouldnt talk as if im a poet.

it's hard to be happy when you're a messed up shit.

2009-02-24T14:06:00.000-08:00

to know that someone that distant cares for you so much- a touch of concern, a word of comfort, tears of worrying for me is enough to make me well up too. Ever since these actions were shown, i'm trying my best and am strongly doing so as not to dwell and swim in my misery that long. Everytime somethings put my efforts down and i feel like giving all up like a loser, her tender expressions would flash vividly in my mind and i'll kick the latter out soon enough. perhaps, i force myself not to forget her actions- they are my strongest source of motivation and that's what im going to rely on now. thank you coach, i bet you wouldnt know how deep an impact you left in me with your simple gestures, but they really do help..

it was only then i realised i do have many people who care and love me (sounds cliche, but it's my thoughts no doubt). i have wonderful friends; teachers and definitely the first class family. i love the way every individuals are, in my life- they are cute and funny in their own sense and definitely lovable in their own little ways.

now i learnt problems are just magnified by me myself, letting go a little would do myself much more justise, i feel. (:

2009-02-17T03:38:00.000-08:00

it's terrible of me to blog like now when i should sleep. it's only 8 by the way, but it's j2 c'mon on- school's draining and my brain went dead when there is like 3 more hours before the last holy bell. vector class today on planes simply summed up the day as 'balls of fire! what the hell are the lecturers talking about!' gah, girl oh girl.. i better start working. the right way. go jasm, you have brains, im sure. :D

alrights, it seems some lovable hunks in my class got into a buzz over my words in the last post about pervert animals. guess i've ignited the whole thing. hahah. wells, i came up with what i call teh brillant plan. here it goes: the next time he aimed underskirt stuff in the lect hall, if he ever do that to me again, i'll ask- excuse me, whatcha looking at? anything nice? can share with me? oh? i cant see, tell me all about it you sicko sucker. tada! perrrfect.

boys oh boys. OOOPS, animal oh animal.. it discuss anything under the sun.. like what coloured bra girls are wearing on which particular day. MAN, you can be our personal assistant, ya know? like 'ma'am, u cant wear red today cause you wore it 2 days ago. must go for something more vibrant. black checked. purple checked. oh perhaps pink?'

gross to the max yo. i cant imagine what can i do when im pissed off i tell you man. and oh please, stop acting like you're damn popular and decent in front of your girlfriend. it's disgusting. oh yes, i did say girlfriend. surprise right? i have no comments about the girl, but the other half disturbed me so i guess i'll hold no qualms of my words. and yea, as i was saying.. i wonder what are their daily activities....

rights, civilised people- let's not carry on. we all know it too well huh.

2009-02-13T05:58:00.000-08:00

right love, i'll shall revive this area huh. HAPPY BIRTHDAY FELLUH. YINGYING THE FATFAT's FRIEND, that's you. i wont forget how cruel you are to not leave me a slice of your birthday cake. it's chocz somemore yea?! but since tomorrow is valentine's day, i'll let you off on that huh. you must love the gift i MADE must emphasize- MADE for you. (:

everyone is like busy giving out love in terms of gifts today, and of course i do too. Who else can i shower my love on? i made all cards kays! how sweet of me. and they include my darling, lovely, handsome husband cum pal cum gayass AND most of all- he's a sexy dude yo- ANWAR, the guitar god as friends call him. hey you joker, you definitely have a success in life and that's you never fail to make me crack up. dude, i love you man. not seriously. HAR. The whole clique received my love today! Syaf's happy with the 'may you check yes juliet' words as i know the group's eyes are on 'juliet.' Mega got his specialised 'chic magnet' written by ME, so it's a fact now; afro! his is the only card with my name in some stickers. i wanted to try out, you see. sorry dude! MAN, now i feel that's a little gay? no wrong, like very. hahahas. na, i hope you pay attention to the 'i heart you today' words instead. yea, so that would be tomorrow. i might consider hearting you the whole year pal, if you fulfil my wish. PLEASE!!! i wanna hear you SING on my birthday! yea, people say afro's voice will melt anyone! PLEASE, afro! :D arief, sally too got my love. i remembered nareyn too! i gave choc! and that were the guys! i gave the class chocz too, but was terribly sorry coz i did not buy enough, so i just have to give to closer friends. damn, it sucks but let's make do with it. i didnt mean to leave out some classmates (sorry guys! i'll love you people more with extra toppings!)

But in such a joyous day, i deliberately left out a bustard WHICH should just..just..DIE. He's a lurking pervert which is a threat to girls in MY CLASS. maybe who knows, he'll target the guys next time. IM GOING TO ANNOUNCE THAT HE SCARTHES HIS DANG DANG OPENLY FOR ALL EYES!! and he's a super predator in lecture halls. girls, get away from him as far as possible. IT waters over girls' legs like they are the the nicest food on earth. toned ones he aim, short ones he aim, even fat ones he want them all too! sicko to the max! I HATE HIM LIKE NOBODY BUSINESS.. YUCKS.

oh anyway, happy valentine's day! im so going to bed now. my bags are so bad, i think they kena drag on the floor everyday.

2009-01-16T06:13:00.000-08:00

it definitely sucks when your brain died on you. it did to me, a couple of times this week that got me pretty irritated. My eyes are bright open, but my brain is sleeping away somehow. No work done ultimately. irritating. Oh, does oatmeals really give us energy that increases as the day progresses? i would like to try if it does, because now my time table are all 'nocturnal' and i cant get use to it yet. i want my body to get to it fast! really fast. time is like so precious this year.

Oh, i got a bruise on my cheekbone and it hurts when i blink each time. Resulted from trying to turn my partner in her cartwheel. ice cubes are seriously not helpful at all. ha. there's training tomorrow still! gosh, big butt in the training! haha.

It's like the first week of school and i guessed the homework pile over the weekends have made a record high in my education years. please, i aint exxagerating. gosh, i aim to clear all off. if not, they stick out like a sore thumb. somehow. hopefully i manage to do that. hmm.

i missed my brother. because of his endless teasing, im dieting on apples everyday now. hope to be in best form by chinese new year too. I haven got any new clothes by the way. i have this hunch that i have to stick to old apparels for this year. Damn, that's definitely not a good. But i cant create a 25th hour or more in a day, so i guess i have to go with it. dang.

and i just want to say: welcome to j2, jasm! a whole lot of madness indeed. just do the tutorials will you?!

2009-01-07T05:14:00.000-08:00

indeed, a smile means alot. silence may be a kind of sarcasm IF it's coupled with obvious facial expression..

i never gave myself a chance to express, most of the time it was to impress. hard corers would say it's definitely not allow, but realistically- we cant deny the fact to impress comes first. At least for me. That would probably explain my dreaded fears of every session. taking this platform, i would like to make it clear that i never want to leave anyone dear to me (on the same 'boat') alone, and that's beacause i cant even be with you during every sessions! That didnt bother me, because i know where i stand, and being able to do my thing well is the most important thing now for me. my request did not work out as it wasnt allow. But knowing that much twirls and spins arent involve ( so far), im relieved. Anyway, dont worry, you guys are always dear to me. (:

My confidence is definitely piecing itself back bit by bit given that no black face was shown. i had thought i would get it, given the fact i was super slow. phew, did not afterall BUT i must continue to work hard and improve ( totally have to), so as to sustain that smile. go, go, go!

i was definitely shocked to see a replica of my then npcc self being in front me, and that's definitely not pleasant. Simple because it doesnt applies to THAT particular situation. There's so many other methods to adopt..

Oh, personally i think that the basic courtesy is to speak nicely, sincere facial expression. Also, listern before speaking would lessen any irritation too. Jumping to conclusion simply turns people off.

you gave me the feeling that you picked your friends. Those who are not as popular, influential, out-spoken or not as good at what we all are doing, you wouldnt care a shit for them. You wouldnt listern at all too.

Much thanks to Jessica, wenjia, pertunia, I would totally freak out and get all anxious. Much loves! (:

school's reopening soon. things would go well... *cross fingers*

- i would miss my brother and the times..

2009-01-02T22:39:00.000-08:00

2009:)
A's.
SYF.
BYE BRO.
=
TOUGH,TOUGH,TOUGH.
ultimately, :(

( i have summarised my words for the next 356 days. most probably.)

030109

2008-11-26T00:35:00.000-08:00

let's not start off with yet another review of the hot novel hitting the whole world. But then again, im just any other seventeen youth who cant contain her excitement when gorgeous hunks appear in front of me. figuratively duh. better yet, that gab of theirs are just as alluring as their face. HA. thanks to stephenie meyer (who allows me to sigh in relieve that i'm not the only soul on earth who loves day AND night dreaming- mostly utterly irrelevent to practical stuff), the whole loving of bloodsuckers and mongrel are seriously clouding my head. i dare say i know the slightest details of the whole 3 and the half books (well, i've not finish the last. yet.)

It's kinda obvious prasies would be drowned towards edward cullen, bella and on the third of most people's my-favourite-cast list would be jacob black. Why not just divert a little huh? Im not a dead fan of the fairest of them all (edward) anyway. THAT came only after much persuasion of the words in the other novels that well, jacob is the best choice. :) Although most of the sequel takes in the point of views of bella, i cant get enough when meyer decided to take the perpective of jake in the fourth novel. i got to say i love it to the core. In addition ot that, i kinda find edward a little too loving, gosh im gonna puke. there's one sence (alrights, one few sentences) where edward snarled at lovely jake and when he turnt to face bella, he's all lovey dovey the next second. eeks. and i absolutely love the way words are toyed in the whole story. Jake speaked like a.... a.. well, any other lad whose language are great? not forgetting the sarcasm as well. PERFECT for me. like, what do you call a blonde who has brain? duh, a golden retriever. i busted up at that man! nice. for a second, i thought i felt 'ouch' literally for rosalie ( jake's joke victim.) I got so mad over this whole vampire-human-dog love story that i went to look for the cast photos. ( dog, cause duh, jake's werewolf. cool huh. i seem to be writing a personal review for people who dont expose themselves to great books. HAHA)

Anyways, yea! the cast are hot. edward is ok... i guess i can live with my OWN imagination of him and focus on his gentlemanly ways then his..looks. average! :) bell's pretty duh, they cant get any nancy, jane or mary to act right? JAKE! taylor L.... i forgot his full name but yea, the actor who plays jake got me staring at my com like i can go right into it. His muscles are WOW, his eyes are WOW, his sparkling white teeth are like WOW, his tan is like WOW. a perfect man. so far. HAHAHA! his crop hairstyle, definitely his bonus. (man, am i superficial huh? who cares! im happy. *grins!*) there's alice cullen too. (edward's favourite sister) I love her spunky character. she's liek a...cute little dang. :) there's this sentence which edward used to describe his sister: you're awfully small to be a hugely irritating. I LOVE THE ENGLISH HERE.

YESH! twilight will be coming up on december 18th. man am i relieved that they decided to put all 4 books into the huge blackbox! well, if news confirmed the production of the second sequel- New Moon, that would means eclipse and breaking dawn would ahev a chance to be screen, am i right? hmm, it wasnt meant to be a question. im right, no doubt. :D

I'M estatic like no one's bussiness man! the first movie which i would kill to watch, and own one myself after that. a turn off to me is that jake doesnt appear much in twilight. :/ he only come into light and STAYS there in book 2 onwards. SO, all 4 books must go to the blackbox!

people say 'may your wish come true.' and im wishing to live in my own imagination ( so i can be close to jake!!!!!! meet somone as gentleman as edward!!!!!!! yea right.) SO, make my wish come true! and i'll kiss the toilet papers your use. be it you're big fat fashionless, beardedful santa cluas. I MEAN IT! :) i seemed to have a grudge against that fat red-white so much beard thing, 'casue that thing fails to make my wishes come true every year! ;)

oh yeah, my bro and i caught some youtube videos on this story- animorphs. i read a little from books, and i yawned in every stories so i thought it would be boring, but it's actually interesting when movements are injected to dead words. It so happens that the most handsome lead in the show is name JAKE too. hoho, the actor's real name is shawn something. ( im an ass to forgot hunks' name. what a weakness.) i find him so familiar and my bro and i think that he acted in some shows before. guess what, it's power ranger he acted in. red or blue ranger, i cant remember. hehehe, cute that's it. end of story.

the funny thign about this show is that there's this other actor whose reel name is tor-ba-isus. one: i dont know how to spell. two: i cant really remember his name. so, i call him tobaco. =)

wow, i wrote quite a length. ah, but still let me chant, let me chant:

TAYLOR!
TAYLOR!
JAKE!

i swear if this goes on, i'll have my pupils in the letters J A K E soon enough- like how you see $ signs when you're money minded. Or better yet, i'll name my son in future JAKE. whoa, can you feel that coolness and handsomeness exuded? gosh, you're lousy. gotta try harder!

:P

2008-11-07T22:22:00.000-08:00

BORING!
STUPID SATURDAY. SCREW THE COMPUTER.
SCREW THE GRAPHICS. LOUSY SPEED.
NO COMPANY. NO VIDEOS. NO MOVIES.
TOTAL IRKSOME.
#$%#$^@#%$!@#$

2008-10-30T08:25:00.000-07:00

FRANK.

perhaps, what i want in life doesnt fit the definition of acceptable. It's out and risky and couldnt guarentee my rice bowl. It's considered bitchy? but i admire the awe received and the squeals from the crowd. Im taking the confirm-safe path in life, but i dont think im getting any where, as in to make my life meaningful. Acheivements i had my share, but somewhere the heart and mind isnt satisfied. What if i say the soul yearns for one, just one. One which i never dare mention. Apparently, i dont know why. To get immersed in the emotions of the script is just where i want to be. It's unreal but yet somehow tangible in my mind..

theatrical studies. acting.

'once in a lifetime,
means there're no second chance.
so i believe that you and me,
should grab it while we can.
make it last forever..'

2008-10-26T02:21:00.000-07:00

LOVE

Ladies and gentlemen,
as complex as it is made up to be, love is actually a simple, easy word to comprehend. Here, you'll definitely get your idiot proof answers and a definite philosophy of life. HA.

It is,
one way. Only then, will it last, because it has never started before.
a mockery. If it isnt, silent break-ups and cheats would breathe in the existence of the very space of molecules.
never about wanting it to be reciprocated? oh phu lease, wake that nonsense- stop living in delusion. but as a matter of fact, im not too sure too. HEHE. guru do fail at time okays.

dont turn away from hurt,
before the tears come around,
seize the opportunity.
get back to who you are again.

i wish i never fear dance this much. i wish the initial image of dance still burns within me. That was all before i set to be part of it. There's something i cant put it down- how would i be perceived? i dont know. There's just something that stops me from letting go and immerse into the rhythm and emotions. Is it about perfection? Or could it be the fear of how people think of me? It had been a year, but the thought of inferiority never deminish. I dreaded it, and i feel like giving all up. But trust me, nothing pains me more than failing myself. i may not acknowledge but i know people are talking.

i still wanna be associated w it.

2008-10-23T06:49:00.000-07:00

As the week closes towards weekends, embracing the pretty long holidays, i heaved a sign of relief which lasted almost forever. If it isnt for project and intensive chinese, it would have continue. My promo is still hanging in suspense too. let's not :( , it's bad for health.

With so much happening this past days, rests, sleeps and free time are much treasured. I neednt tell the world that there was a uber huge crisis in my project which totally puts me off, but given my nature- the world ultimately knows it. so yar. And when the world reacts to this crisis, i seem to be abnormally calm and unreactive. Perhaps, when all becomes a habit in your blood, it's definitely sure to turn out this way. Nevertheless, a bottle can only fill that much- you call it definite volume. 3 bottles were reached and we decided to find the manufacturer. FINALLY. not before some of mine spilled as tears.. and that was that.

met up with a lovely ass yesterday where we hit suki. asses' FIRST outing since i graduated. boy, it has been an uber long time. we misses each other yo. HA. one year ago, your fringe cant beat mine. one year later, you still cant. i know you tried your best, sweetie. HAHA. chatted and ate for 3 hours. NICE. more of such yea? :D

you hated my LENTOR to the core. HA. irritant huh. WHATEVER.

OH, let's get back to school. It seems i was the one who started the whole exploitation of personal message saga. perhaps exploit seems a little harsh for me. There's lots of problems others cant comprehend as much as the members themselves do. This could be a last resort to my group, so perhaps those who are affected by it due to the strogn belief of ONE CLASS, you ought to know the different perpectives and 'limits'. Though i do not agree to some actions, we ought to care only for own group. we can whine to our friends, but still we cant get involved in others' affairs, we may not know the whole circumstances, so perhaps stepping into them may somehow be a little unfair.

anyway, the random friend i made in school finally created a conversation with me. pretty funny. He forced me to give him an answer about promos. study hard dude.

zomg! i looked exactly like LENTOR right? HAHAHAHS.
come on everyone, let's think it's hilarious.I never love another girl like i love you, LOVEASS.

sadly, it's never reciprocated, cause you do not have good taste. :D

you're the fringe story. HA. poor dang!

I am evil because i want you to have nightmares at night.

Look! i have succeed, havent I?

2008-10-18T01:51:00.000-07:00

YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU CANT IMAGINE THE URGE IN ME TO FUCKING CANT BE BOTHERED ABOUT THIS, OKAY? A PROJECT FOR 5; TASKS FOR 5, BUT IT FUCKING SEEMS I NEED TO CARE FOR ALL, SOMEHOW.

Whatever is it, isnt it unfair? A project for 5, one down. it's four. But the anxiety is definitely for one. Maybe my way of handling is wrong, but so much is undone and yet i cant get the assurance from everyone. Hellos, are mobile phones all dead for no reason? Cant my texts receive replies? Do i have to wait decades for even one? You cant imagine how much i feel like being YOUS. no worries, no care, no probing for tasks BUT the job gets done. WHY? and that's because someone else gets it done, i neednt worry. THANKS ALOT. and i've got no time for to cater to emotional needs too alright? My whole mind is so into this thing, and that's because i want to get rid of it.

besides productivity, it's about the attitude, the attitude! you got it?

FUCK THIS SHIT.

2008-10-13T07:18:00.000-07:00

making utterly full use of waiting time, i guess.

i refused the camera once in a while, ha!

beautiful company!

why arent you a boyfriend, love?

We had a wholly of fun after school at Xin Wang, camwhoring; chewing; getting on closer terms with the AUNTIES and just- did nothing there. HA. I had a sinful cheesebaked rice with chicken chop, but then again, it ahs been a long time since i had a meal in peace- without the haunting of exams. cool.

Didnt hit K as one of us was hit with the sorey throat bug. SADDED. Didnt catch any movie-none of us have the mood. What did we do? i'm still wondering. OH, there's something you call WINDOW SHOPPING. rights, got it. And i gto myself a pair of earrings, at least. HA, fantastic.

There's no school tomorrow, and im still not sure what to do. hmmmm, roam town, like again? hit the pool? stick to bed? stuck with food? get a hair chop? The thing is- NO COMPANY, DAMN IT. huge tsk! either one has boyfriend, or the other has dates with DVDS; settling long set dates with long lost friends. gak! neither do i wanna join the company for binnanlea, whatever. HAHAS, sorry darlings, seriosuly not into it this year.

I've got this sudden urge to watch return of the condor heros, WEIRD ASS but yar. *grins!* satisfying it tommorow, i guess. In addition, just let me pray for ********* tommorow. If it comes true, i'll say it. till then, i rather be safe. HEHE.

2008-10-10T03:45:00.000-07:00

woohoo! promos ending REEEEEALY soon. last paper on monday, and so after record-making kilelr physics today, went to chill with loves. pepper-lunched was pretty..mundane although there were laughters and jokes. i was sleepy, that's why. My eye bags will touch the ground real soon man! ( love- my the other half! familiar phrase huh? :D) and it's definitely a refreshing fact that the girls can spend almost an hour at artbox! it's not an apparal shop man! ha, i'll have my turn on monday when we hit the malls and K. hahah! calling for 'the love of your silent man and also my superb girlfriend', hit the pool on wednesday? i wanna get a tan.

i'll hold on to my crumpler then; while someone pops her eyes at silence, dead silence. <3

It's great to be aquaintance with people around you, it erases the awkward atmosphere between you and the person. It's like when you are talking to your friend and his friend is standing beside, it's always nice to include them. You wouldnt want to feel left out and standing like a fool too i guess? The second time when you see that new friend, it's nice when a smile is exchanged. Hmmm, it just feels good. hello new friend, whoever you are. ha. :D

OH! i've gto to address something. dotn look or rather stare at me as if i had stolen your boyfriend. Stop being paranoid or whatever huh. Who doesnt know your crush? it'll be on BBC news soon, baby. chill. AND, the pathway is rather big, so you neednt walk in the path my friends walked. you can lift and shift your legs a little i guess? peace out, babe!

alrights! time for some tee-veeee, before MUGS comes along tmr with looooves. HA.

2008-10-10T02:37:00.000-07:00

I love YingYing love & her etched silence!

2008-09-24T09:02:00.000-07:00

take a step back, and praise my words for the very fact that you'd misunderstood the agenda of the entries is just the desired outcome. It was never meant to be personnal issues or people..

lifei s cruel, it definitely is. and it has become more cruel when i question life. abstract huh? but that's life. look, when u begin to feel insecure about things or people around you, it's not good. when you begin to question the constituents of life, it just implies that you arent moving in the right path of..life. Where's the humanity that has been well emphsized when i was a year or two younger? Why has school become a place for grades and everything else takes a backstage? am i wrong to say that it doesnt permit late-bloomers? perhaps not so. In the midst of fighting for those numbers that are the only loved ones in students' life, i guess i miss CME and other bonding games more than ever now.

yada yada, that whole paragraph made me sound like im a pathetic loser who knocks into walls every corner i turn to but ironically, there are comments that im even better than i was. Im more...cheerful? no comment. in terms of academic? it's all academic woes. the long hours have taken its toll on me. for one, it sure have robbed me of my mood to even speak.

im tired, but with only two weeks left, i'll fuel up and do what i have to. i'll try not ot allow 'whatever will be, will be.'

im definitely in constant pursuit of the numbers. i never hold them long and feel them in my palms. but i'll keep in mind of '99% perspiration"

2008-09-16T08:00:00.000-07:00

Major and definitely 'impactful' disappointments huh.

silence doesnt mean i wont get angry. It doesnt mean i wont get affected. It definitely doesnt equals to that smile plastered across. Being nice at the expense of discounting myself doesnt pay. i didnt care so much like i do now about issues that tangible right in my nose. If time doesnt permit help to be rendered, then just fucking let me know! well. I wont reciprocate a single greeting and kind gestures in future too and that is because i have been put down just so to allow foul attitudes to breathe. I may not have skills and brains and agility but i definitely have that pride and dignity that finally scream and yell at my nonchalant attitude to address them.

it's most certain that i pick up selfishness in the fastest time possible.

2008-08-30T04:38:00.000-07:00

WASSUP YO!

I totally feel like im living well in the underwater world. BAM, dude. being sick seriously isnt fun. Though missing soccer for PE seems the best damn thing for me, nothing beats the damn pain after that. Speaking about my utter relieve of soccer, i came to hear about how soccer can turn to be a tool by the sickening males. tell me holy mama, when ever did beautiful soccer turn to a body contact game. tell me about rugby huh. OH WELLS, after being smacked by the ball in the face, you can say i fear them. HOW EMBARASSING.

So, though fever kicked in on thursday's night, i wasnt feelign anything about that. I was still in the audi rooting for the fishy dudes. i bet a little longer, i might just burn the chair. fantastic five. ALRIGHTS, see? college has since bestow me with a total unique sense of humor. talk about beind nerd, yo.

YES, and my whole head is feeling like being filled with yucky phelgm or something. I can never get rid of them, and i wonder if they have all went to the head. It has been hurting since donkey days ago, and it still is. weirdly, it gets worse when im doing tutorials. HAHAHAH. I need rest, my brain yells.

School's out but it still lingers around- given the tutorials and the ever PROMOS that's the talk of the town now. It's getting closer and closer man.. like two more weeks? BAM. 15 days, exact. TSK.

I wonder if i am ever legally associated with words like jamming, guitar, performance, wednesday expressos and lastly- fishy. It's has certainly been on my mind lately. i never ask, because i dont know how, and somehow i dont see the need to. If things are meant to be, they are i reckon? They're not? give me some time.. after being 'silent' for a while, i'll be fine again i guess. nevertheless, fishy is a real great band, with really talented people who burns with passion for performing. super perfectionists i can say. Im like the odd one out..

well well, whatever is it.. cool is the word. and JASM you've got physics wave tutorial to complete. :(

2008-08-26T05:44:00.000-07:00

BAM, 20 days.

i think too much;
i read too much;
i care a little too much;
i talk too much.
emotions, please be dead
in every sense.
i have no bloody time for you.

when your passion for something dies,
you're the saddest soul on earth..

2008-08-15T09:50:00.001-07:00

My life cant get more exciting than these moments!

For having dreaming to myself for some donkey years, i'd put them into actions yesterday. It's the stage, me and my voice. not just that, perhaps coupled with going OFFKEY and with vibrating mics, or rather the source. damn hands. TSK.

the first time in my life, i never felt extremely disappointed in myself. even compared to studies, screwing this up made me uberly upset. BUT yea, i know where i've gone wrong( i've got severe stage fright) and bless the audition!

FISHY AND THE APPLE SHAMPOO is just a bunch of lovely, HILARIOUS people. It's funny seeing myself being totally clueless about their language, but i'll be laughing for the whole time. complete madness. PURE LAMENESS, i must say. going offkey seriously can too be the best joke of the day. i've got a squeezy friend too, who seriously cant stand my proclaiming of cuteness adn hotness. :D one thinks im purely stepping cute, one think im a nutcase. HAHAH. the funniest company ever, who plays great music!

and huina the cuteface, my bimbo 2-banana2. We decides to do girls' best- CAMWHORE next week. bring your best cam yo. i'm gonan flash my mega wide teethhhhhhhh. i wanna play at your house one day OKAYS? we shall jump on your bed.

OH SHEESH BUNS BONGS, i've gots lots of work to do! NOOWWWWW.

2008-08-01T09:25:00.000-07:00

feigning ignorance is beautiful;
embracing the truth is a chore;
immersing in a lie is heavenly.
best of all,
a heartless man is the most happiest man around.

these few words are used to describe the silence of the situation, the many words left unsaid when the eyes met, the pain that should be existing when the usual actions and waits are belonging to someone else. Even as friends, i didnt realise a friendship could be compromised. perhaps it's a young ship, that's why. maybe, maybe. nevertheless, it is a fact that words of assurance to the stage of friendship exist...

seeing is believing, but i reckon interpreting is much accurate. i dont need to air the bad laundry of yours, cause deep down YOU know it's YOU and what have you done. Very often, i wanna retaliate, but i remembered it's a waste of my time, my tears to do so..

surprsingly, these did hurt of course as im an emotional animal. maybe you tried putting yourself as one, but perhaps not so. but if i prise down deeper, i realised it's a journey i went through and still am going through. i witnessed the actions, i hear the actions, i interpret them, tell me how these are fake. i wanted to know if you were real, but i've gotten the answers now. tangible, and just right in front of me.

The more i walk this journey, i see the greater disparity between us. And im upset that my perspective of you starts to change. It's like you are laying the answers right here for me, so naturally i picked them up.

but im comforted by something i guess i sub-consiously slipped into. I'm closing up and i dont want to mouth a word of feel..

good things doesnt last;
many lessons learnt..

-------

i wish after each night's sleep, i would be stronger to fulfil people's view that i dont need any form of protection; stronger to hold the tears i never want to show; stronger to have a greater capacity to hold more of rubbish;

and stronger so i wouldnt run away..

im stressed.

2008-07-26T07:13:00.000-07:00

我永遠都想不到
陪我看這書的你會要走

放在糖果旁的是
我很想回憶的甜

然而過濾了你和我
淪落而成美

沉在盒子里的是你給我的快樂
我很想記得可是我記不得

他的手應該比我更暖

雨還沒停你就撐傘要走
已經習慣
不去阻止你...

印象中的愛情好像
頂不住那時間
所以你棄權
鐵盒的序變成了日記..

TURN TURN TURN! (: totally worn out now. SLEEPY. i was having a fun time being ambassador today, cause of great company. much lvoes for new found toddler- LAUREN and existing ones like ting hui. Shawn is VERY MATURE. me? stuck!

CAMWHORE, but due to limited time.. we didnt have ENOUGH fun.

SUPERHEROS with SPASM JASM

2008-07-13T08:36:00.000-07:00

i sensed it;
i got it.
thanks god, i knew it-
now.

when things got to the stage where i learnt i have myself to rely on, i had a hella of fear. When every moment are make it or break it, i always think it's break it. When i'd thought i'd worked hard, in people's eyes- i haven't and that's what im labelled for.

As the number of years decreased, and the amount of presure doubles with time, the existence of fear increases a whole load. inveresely proportionate. Is that good- for me? i dont know. when you witnessed people comfortable polishing their skills, you wonder why arent u doing so. And i kept on asking..but it shouldnt be the case, as i jolly know i have no time for it.

it's time im trying to hold,
it's time im trying to prove,
i wonder how am i going to give my moment a difinition.
if i can do it then,
why cant i now.
i made a feat,
let it repeat..
to ease everything thought that lingers.

2008-07-11T08:28:00.000-07:00

I'm in absolutely no position to judge.

it's inevitable and obvious that the laughters have soften; the smiles have straightened; the enthusiasm has dropped; bubbly is just so not there.

this week has been pretty 'crashing' on me. The drive to start afresh is just so difficult. and I have never feel so detach from anything before- i'm not proud of college. im so disappointed. I became like a pile of shit some day this week with some expected yet unexpected treatment from a person who claimed to have so much experiences. marvellous.

Things arent going right for me in every way. it gets worrying, perplexing, confusion, heartbreaking and definitely the thought of going away. Any way.. any methods.

For as much as i cant go on, i live on a story. much love from brother- water and fizzydrink; reactive and pro active. I feast on it daily- it's my daily dosage. It gives a little strength to move on despite setbacks. More of which to ease my high ego and pride. countless of time they had been trampled upon, in this sickening place. ironically, from what i keep close to my heart each day, i am still as cynical as before.

I gave everything up with a huge opportunity cost, so i ought to think harder. I started with the drive, but ended with practically nothing as im losing it. i used to lead in the project, but i gave it up today, wanting to be a follower. Im too tired, but yet nothign seems to be getting right. I seriously kept asking why why and whys- in every situation i am in.

I kept questioning,
I kept fearing.
I kept doubting,
I kept worrying.
I kept missing.
I've got two palms,
but i cant make a sound.

Perhaps the only solution is,

i've yet to figure out.

As for you,

I hope things get better.

you've got to untie that knot in you..

2008-07-06T04:07:00.000-07:00

I looked into my eyes and demanded: tell the freaking truth, you ass. and what i got after was (: . nothing more than (:, i suppose. credits to toky's love! though i dont know what toky stands for. hoping for somthing like ' yo jasmine, you're hot.' HAHAS. O.O

wellos, i guessed people around the world misses a loud hailer, one that doesnt stop wailing even constant beatings. AHHHHHHHH. hmmm, let's see. It's alrights now. yo, now man. :) 'tell the truth, you ass.' YEA, i tell i tell. it's the truth, yo.

whatever it is, let's skip taht endless merry-go-round issue. HOHO. well well, i've got a homework for dance, and that's to do spotting in front of my mirror each day, and i ended up kissign my cupboard instead. you see, my mirror is IN my cupboard, and there's only like two palms' length for me to turn. HOW DO YOU EXPECT FAT FAT to turn?! so yar, that's for spotting. im pretty proud of what ever you call that standinng on one leg, and getting your balance there. yea, im gaining good posture. HA.

i did circular motions and it got me in circles for sure, and i manage to get myself our only like very long while later? why cant everybody learn a simple theory about jasmine? tsk, why make life difficult? i dont need equations. formulas or cracking of brain, you know? just a simple definition: I WANT FOOD, AND MORE FOOD. you can just get a tagline so easily. TSK, what's with ancient peeps huh.

OH YAR, it kinda got hot issue between some BEST PAL of toky and loved and how the EYES play a GREATTTTT role in this hot issue. HAHAHAS. i find this whole film funny, and i wanna catch more! toky, what's new this week? give a trailer, phu lease! :D

trust me,
when i believe;
im happier.

2008-07-05T05:25:00.000-07:00

stop.
dont set your heart;
knowing you cant do it,
so what for.

shhhh,
dont say a word.
cause they make you ugly.
to me; from you-
just allow me to remember your beautiful smile.

and i say i've made my choice,
to not even make one at all..

perhaps,
an impromptu decision might help.
so stay clear,
be optimistic.

2008-07-04T08:19:00.000-07:00

todays were disappointing;
for a moment, i thought.
yesterdays were much worse..

it's a cross junction, once again. i want to pick a route, not that i have many choices. It's just i fear. whatever it is, loser never felt this dominant. Some sarcasms are definitely enough. Some flauntings are absolutely turn-offs, some selfishnesses are totally fatal.

Im not trying to be emotional here, but it's what of me these days, this week. I wanted so badly to sit somewhere off from this world and cry a hell of tears, before wiping my ass and take on the walk again. It doesnt helps, and it's evident i wasnt even practical and realistic once. but at least it makes me feel better. each day i wake up knowing im still heavy with doubts, fears and endless thoughts. I didnt know how to face certain people and i didnt know how to take on stuffs annd issues in my way. I thought i am up for something, and perhaps my forte would be that, i never got it. Is it just destined that i lived like a fool? I wished some people would come and apologise, even if it's pretty obvious the situation is fix, i just cant swallow and see some nonchalant attitudes. I dreaded to see some people, knowing she's close to me somewhere, tapping on my guilt time and again. I shoudnt even fear, like now that i am thrown into such truth. I guessed, faking normality helps big time here. Being the crazy, nonsensical self, it's pretty easy to get away with things. i came to realise a step backwards wouldnt erase the fact you took one forward.. and that's when it all goes around.

you knew the truth,
yet you wanted a lie.
i gave you the lie,
and you lived in it.
you left me absolutely dumbfounded.

take a look at yourself,
haven you been a little too selfish?

2008-07-03T07:23:00.000-07:00

think harder, half the time there isnt anyone for us to share a little of ourselves with..

2008-06-29T01:42:00.000-07:00

sometimes, it's right to listern to my intuition. that's because it has always been right? see? when im naughty, this happened and wells, like how mommy taught me to clear my messy room before i can have dinner- it's the same, i've got to clear it all up.

so, clear that space; secure that confidence; take a deep breath; wipe the tear and it's a fresh day every tomorrows. though i cant remember the last time it stings my face, it certainly feels good to let it down again.

Now, i realised something call foolishness and something call withdrawal. most of all, something that reminds me to use my brain a little more.

Words put together doesnt mean they have to rhyme; doesnt means they have to sound pleasant. Most of the time, they have an agenda. a wicked one, or a temporary one. seen them all, i guessed i had.

It's time i stop proclaiming to be any tougher.

I led something to be wrong, or something led me to misunderstand? wells, and i guess this is no time to push any blames or to demand for explanations. and there are many things that are equally irritating and frustrating at this moment. They come and go, like someone tapping you and squat down or something.

i came to understand every word are the same, be it said by whoever.
and the only thing that's going to change,
would be the way i take them in.

Nice people exist the way they are right now, so what's with the greed for perfection? and if words given out by me are taken back, isnt that superficial?

i know my priorities;
and i'm crystal clear about where i stand.

fresh tomorrows, girl (:

2008-06-28T07:13:00.000-07:00

i still have the capacity to,
no tears.
cause im jasmine.
my aim is to harvest a brain now.
fucking cold,
how im wishing for.
and i am.

it's a lie that i never feel..

2008-06-27T08:03:00.000-07:00

THEY ARE SO DAMN OVER. like yeeeessssshhhh! NO! i dont wanna comment ANYTHING about blocks, not at all but perhaps i can still manage SPEECHLESS as the vocabulary. wanted to hit the town but pals were all SO TIRED huh. It's my first time. my first time finding a group of pals who slacked 2 hours at the hot, stuffy air-conditionerless coffee shop. NICE LUH. But due to some unprecedented stuffs, we decided to slack at shawn's place. My first time. My first time going to his HUGE HUGE HUGE house. nice, and not long, i find myself fantasizing about my i-thought-long-gone TAI TAI dream. ahhh, how great to do nothing but play majong and shopping and getting fed and soon fat. BOYS, you know what to do. WORK HARD, fufil our dreams okayyyss?

OH YAR, talking about it led me to remember what ryan said about my loved. I didnt really know him at first but guess he just cant stand me. hahahahs. LOVED, even your own friend said you arent the way you were behaving then. hahhas, guess im like super influential. I reckoned that sentence just stab myself in my foot by admitting im like being BIMBOTIC huh. :D

shawn's daddy was extremely generous in treating the 5 of us to an extremely filling dinner. if i am not in my school uniform, i would probably have eaten more. MY SKIRT IS TIGHT. piangs.

anyways..

i came to realise to survive, what jasmine needs. i came to see that what i thought were conventional and afraid to make changes are actually lethal as a result And coupled with a slow brain, a non-mathematical, non-numbers existence brain, i need to do so much more. Now, it's all about READ GO READ DO^infinity. :D

instead of fearing that the past might surface,
im forgetting what has happen just even in the present.
sometimes, even a choice,
i'll choose to lie in innocence and ignorance.

im not wanting a stand,
im sitting comfortably in my protected zone.

actually, i just wanted a silent stroll.

2008-06-21T23:50:00.000-07:00

it's a sunday afternoon, like pretty usual sundays sprinkled with a little favour of the mad mad rush for last minute revision of hte block tests! DAMN! it's econs tommorow follwed by one whole long week of papers. im already thinking about enjoyign on friday when the holy week have yet to start. gee.:/ im fighting a battle with my discipline,alrights. you see, thhe weather is nice, my nose is runny, my eyelids are heavy. Come on, it all spells down to a word- SLEEP. and im certainyl procrastinating by blogging right now. god, im like courting my own death eh. early one indeed. rights, im gonna mug now. like pull every single hair till i go bald. kays, exagerrate. whatever.

i just came to announce that DAMN BLOCKS STARTS TOMORROW!
dont blow your composure, baby. IM SMART, just take it in okaysss. :)

2008-06-19T07:02:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry i can't lift your confidence. Mine is killed, and i'm helpless about it. As much as i wish to lift yours, i don't know how. Dinnertime was when the flashbacks striked. It's even much tangible with your words around and a pull of your hand and a concerned face.

I fear, for im dumb,
i fear, for i cant be a pretty girl,
i fear, for i'm too sensitive,
i fear, for not knowing where did i went wrong.
i fear, cause i foresee a serial of the same old shit.
i fear, for i know everyone looks at my every steps.
i fear that i would believe you more and more,
and at the end.. i get the knife head thrice sharpened;
for i realised sub-conciously i take it that we are.

the daunting fears wouldnt leave me alone.
i really really dont know what's the best for me.
like i said, i cant bloody count what's 1/2 when i know clearly im holding on to a whole.
i speak and behave with restrictions, but it's not that i've changed. I dont know what's your view of me.

to me, it's because of you, i'm afraid..

2008-06-18T08:37:00.000-07:00

I LOVE YINGYING. (: a little bimobotic, but yar. hellos LOVER. studied with ying and hwei at mos but flew to mac an hour later to get my book and studied. It's kinda a good place to study there, i guess. when it isnt peak hours. yep, able to concentrate alittle more.

WE SLACKED BY SHOPPING! cute shirts, cheap too. that's the whole point.

thanks for the chocolate cake, himbo. (: nice surprise! look at the leftover, im sad cause that cldnt be eaten if not i would have gobble it all up.

AND, i realised i cant eat elegantly. whatever ladies have to be. but at least, be thankful i cant burp. HA.

kays, STUDY. toodles.

2008-06-16T23:26:00.000-07:00

I AM PANICKING AND I CANT DO ANYTHING ABT IT.

okays, you see? it's defnitely not pardonable for me to blog like now, when i need to study! but i cant. the wooden chair im sitting on made my spine hurts liek an old lady's; the fan next to me study table is uber noisy, and i had to stare at it hoping it will quit squeaking; the bed is like some prostitute luring its customers. I AM TEMPTED TO SLEEP. cause when i had enough of aching back, i plonked into the welcoming arms of my bed and sleep engulfed me. RIGHTS, my descriptive essay is sure to flunk. and all the post its are making me stressed! and thought of peopel gettign doen with their revisions made me pee adn shiver with fear. IM HERE STUCK WITH MATHS. god god god. and all i can manage is a weak whimper: help~ i am like so panicky, i can think properly. and my stomack did so much cartwheels that what i eat, the toilet gets it. Man, and i didnt have lunch and cause cause cause my appertite is just so bad. im so not prepared for maths lessons tomorrow adn i guess i cant slepp tonight and grand daddy see is gonna come down ahrd on me. man, i dont liek it when he's angry. He's a nice teacher.

GET THOSE WORK DONE LIKE NOW! oh yesh, to make myself worse, i've got econs too.

now, i need so much more than hug the buddha's legs. i seriously cant imagine how i sat through the same wooden chair for hours! for my O LVLS. im desperate for that kinda attitude again. i need them so badly. mayeb i need to upgrade my brain too. It's liek pentium 0.5. SHEESHBUNS. my table is so cluttered with notes and e wall in front of me is freakign me out. i just wish to get functions adn transformation done! at least if i do so, it will lessen my guilt.

START DOING!

UNGLAM LIKE ANYTHING.

and i cant be bothered to adjust the size to reduce the SCARE. HA

but the point is, IM LIKE THAT NOW- like in a OH MY GOD state.

im totally missing 'i've never been to new york yet i love new york.' *WINKS*

2008-06-15T00:12:00.000-07:00

like hellos, i wonder what is the latest bug that ahs gotten into me. GOD, the dumb bug? the emotional bug? sucky.

Rights, if there's one thing i can remove, that would be emotions. And seriously fill the gap with more IQ. Man, im whining about everything! Market Failure is seriously making me a failure. GRRR, it's real hard to comprehend simple terms, cuase simple terms+ simple terms= ultra tough for Jasmine. And she spent millions of seconds trying to get the content. So, in conclusion allocative efficiency is not reached. tell me about aceing huh.

AND! some shitholes spoil my entire sunday by their irresponsible attitude. CALL YOURSELF SOMEBODY WHO ENLIGHTEN STUDENTS' LIFE. bloody ass. and i'm praying for you. prayign that your new job that you claim screw you inside out. oh ayr, casue you are just older than me by 2 years so i've got peopel who knows you. one who is bitchy and think all guys are after you. PATHETIC SHIT. luckily i didnt get you to coach me. WHAT A CLOSE SHAVE. now you left my sunday screwed! and that's the whole frustrating point. ARGH. im cursing and still swearing.

It's obvious i cant pull myself from the shadows of the past. Be it good or unpleasant. yadayada, im afraid. and it's bugging me, seriously. cause i guess it's all turning inwards. No matter how much comforting words are uttered, it doesnt help. I need something huge, adn much more credible. like months of actions and determination to break the exterior of this hard egg. I need much much more patience and understanding. And i need my space to be myself, and not closing up to people's views.

why the term hard egg is used..

oh, one more thing, If you know who you are, tell me how to believe that you arent avoiding me. teach me how. enlighten me..

2008-06-13T07:15:00.000-07:00

For a second, i thought i was fine. After much pondering, i wonder if i am so. Alrights, contridicting. EXACTLY. and i got myself into a real fix right now.

It was nice guessing. It was nice knowing. It was nice enjoying. It was nice indulging. It was just equally nice knowing the truth and not knowing it. It occupies my mind before and after the reveal.

Humans crave for answers. I certainly hate suspensions. sigh, but even after i know the truth, it's equally mind-boggling. I have to hold the feelings of much more people besides mine. And i am certainly so much afraid now. This tiem is for real man. I AM UTTERLY SCARED, IM PEEING IN MY PANTS ANY MOMENT. I wonder how people will look at me, and i guessed that's my greatest fear. Besides, i've got so much responsiblities. Own ones. I've got to prove to myself and to people that i can handle, if i want to have it. And i cant afford to fail, and i cant afford to face disappointments.

Perhaps it's influential that superficial factors areo nce highly taken into account by me. But it all turns into disappointment after some time. You see, god is fair. He bestow you with flare, and he too even it out with flaws. So now, im wondering and im stuck without a clear decision. I cant pull away from my 'beliefs', but i want to get away at least a little from them. But then again, am i up to criticisms?

Anyway, like i told myself and i'm holding on to the ropw real real tight, for fear i'll lose my grip. I dont want anything right now. i dont wanna change anything. I have yet to attain the kinda 'level' i wished for before whatsoever. I've yet to prove my part, and the whole tide have yet to go down too. man, this is totally mind-racking.

i would rather do physics. gulp.

and i really dont know what to do..

2008-06-11T08:33:00.000-07:00

it's wednesday, half way through the actually should be lovely holiday. IT"S PSENT MUGGING LIKE SOME NERDHEADS. great, i love beign a jc kid! YEY. *rolls eyes* :)

Found a lovely;free flow of bread and plain water place to study. GOOD LIKE ANYTHING. thanks to lovely brother pigass for introducing me. it was my first tiem being in that place and i certainly looked liek a kuku. Like whoaing over the cushions, and BREAD. how funny. Today, i brought swimming trunks-monkey there. HAHAS. shadnt tell you hte place. swimming trunk-monkey! dont say too. later the place will be flooded with familiar people. hahas. And he was more kuku than i am. HAHAS. seriously, he claims every seconds that he's cute and finally i should say that i only agreed for a split second. like how he behaves over breakfast meals.

Throughout the whole time, it got quite hilarious sometimes, i laughed and laughed. and i DID STUDIED TOO. oh oh, you wont want me to brag about it. Wells, initially i got a little irritated and pissed over his remark about being slow. but then, come to think about it... when he excused to go to the gents, i just seriosuly want to solve the next question. And i did. You cant picture how low i felt before that. i never felt so dumb man! and i went on to solve 2 questions. YEYS. He seriously has a way with his frankness. It spurs me to prove! thanks man. :D i'm completeign the tutorial tonight if possible! And i even recapped what i did by blabbering out as we walked home. =)

OH YAR, i nearly died today man. freaky. see, when your mommies asked you not to eat and talk.. take their words for it. one sesame seed went to the wrong pipe as i was laughing adn ta da you can guessed what happened next. My lovely friends thought i was laughing! hahas. But when my coughs persist, adn i began to tear it freaked swimming trunks. yea, it hurts after that but yar.. i'm still alive and kicking. THANKS FOR THE SERVIETTES AND THAT SLAP in attempt to save me eh, MR DEAR FRIEND. :) you didnt gave us dish on the house too, bad host!

somehow, i feel now that physics isnt really that freaky. eh, just for forces as of now. and swimming trunks kept encouraging me not to give up, when i couldnt get my answers. THANKS! and.. you've got to be confident so that people who are not that confident would be encouraged, okays? (:

Today, the 11th of june 2008, is when i made a verbal promise for some baggage i held for some stinking long months. HOW DUMB. Given my character, i cant do it myself. and yep, ST helped me..

As the entries are deleted,
i delete every presence of heartaches and misery.
i never want to be remembered of your pretty face ever again.
i'm happy now,
im in control.
im making e best out of it.
im trying though,
to make every moment
THE HAPPIEST.

i cant do it myself, but i'm blessed with lovely souls adn i know i can do it..

<3 DOREEN: heys, thanks for the encouraging words.. and i certainly am much more stronger than ever. =D i know i still have you my sweet, lovely pal. you are seriously like a sister to me. one who stood me by through whatever that happens, chide me if im ever wrong. GOD! what else can i ask for. THANK YOU! :)

2008-06-06T05:16:00.000-07:00

i never thought things would turn out this way. im angry and im certainyl unhappy. im not saying, what's the point anyway? i might just get slap in the face. save the fats.

If any human beings out there have anything against me, come and spit in my face. You dont have to show me how included, how happy you are. why? trying to emphasise that im not like you? and i see you have removed the sign that were besides our names- and placed mine under someone else's. That moment, i thought a nightmare had just came true. and it realy has, i guessed. Now, im clearing the perspiration and calming that very nerve of mine.

Like i've said, come to me if i have stepped you on your very toes. You dont have to raged a cold war. im not trying to seek sympathy. why should i anyway? your actions, your words, your expressions are seriously not what i'd anticipated.

I thought you were a friend. it's really funny when i describe our relationship as a BOY-GIRL's. After one day-overnight, you quit talking to me. Not even acknowledgign my presence. And im like the guy, who cant make out your moves.

Im keeping quiet, cause i know i still have the capacity to. It hurts to see all of you, and im out there alone. though i have one.. but in the first place, we could have been as a whole. You used to encourage me to hold on when im giving up on maths, adn sharing littel secreats. but None! none took a second look at me. And you are kinda childishly influential- a little more people are following your steps. and you seriously will fail your social studies if there is now, as you've failed to present both side of the story.

im obviously angry about it, no doubt. but im saving my sarcasm..

everybody knows i talk alot. sometimes, i got overly mad, i talked and comapnied by silly gestures. sometimes, i may have sprouted some words that offenced people unknowingly. im trying to control, but it seriously isnt me. but come again, i have to change. and i am talking lesser. Anyway, friends are suppose to accept each other for who we are. i had my prejudice too, but i learn to ignore it becasuse i take you as who you are. and now, you are doing it.

kyung said if i didnt do anythign against my consceince, i ahve nothign to fear. bonds forged within 2 years cant be held long anyway. some 'keep in touch', 'friends forever' in the past years cant even be made a reality, so what makes 2 years so great and significent to feel the hurt from a pal. I agree cause i dont wanna feel the intensity of pain as tiem passes as i know this situation wouldnt improve. I do have nice souls around whom i really care for and i think they reciprocate as well. This bonds are more than precious to me as they are going through with me for 2 years. If they can last, they would be so much valuable than anything else...

2008-05-24T21:23:00.000-07:00

IM FLYING FLYING FLYING OFF OFF OFF SOON. YEY! :D

for one whole week, i'll be with the dancers at hong kong. learning dance and visiting places. cool. and well, my nights arent spared from shadows of college and teachers. IM BRINGING HOMEWORK. nice. i cant wait!

friday's GP block test was really tiring. 3 hours straight sure is a feat for me when i came out breathing. HAHAS. i thought i would just dozed off. But my head was tilted the whole time and pen writing away furiously. HA. and i realised i really missed mdm sue. General paper seriously reminds me of her and her strictness and high expectations of us for the past two years. i remembered hating every lessons of hers as i knew it would be terror. But came to think about it, it was really for our own good and she was taking her job much more than just completing her task and leave. She took the role teacher much more than just a name. sigh, i missed you mdm sue! apart from her, i just missed everything about CCHY. juniors out there, please man.. treasure and live your time to the fullest in school. You'll miss it like hell, and you'll soon realise nothing can ever compare to friends, teachers all kinds of bonds forged there.

i never hate chinese before. Since the tiem i enter pre-school or whatever the first stage is.. i love this subject. BUT! college changes the whole perpective towards it. GOSH, i cant imagine how boring some people can conduct their lesson. Bias liek anything too. and this seriously irk me. i was thinking if she's gonna keep praising the TOP STUDENT in our class and simply put the rest down, then just request to authority to HAVE A ONE TO ONE TUTORIAL for her luh. BORRRINGGGG CHINESE LESSONS that makes me go ZZZZZZZ for the first time. this made me love mr chua to the max. i missed him like anythign too. when i bumped into him the other day, i didnt tell him i missed his boisterous attitude adn a little childish, exaggerated actions then never fails to liven chinese lessons. His lessons revoloves little around textbooks but rather movies, films, practise papers, interactions and philosophy sayings and all. TRILLON TIMES much better than now. and he doesnt praise himself OR say how strict he can be unlike some WONDERFUL people. SELF PROCLIAMED liek anything.

I MISSED CHUNG CHENG HIGH SCHOOL( YISHUN). and i teared while viewing videos we made back then. it 's just really really sweet and bitter. sigh, i want to relive that part of my life again. Now, i learnt to take every steps cautiously and treasure everyone and everything. i wanna minimise regrets, whenever possible.

juniors taking O LVL chinese on monday, all the best! im rooting for you guys! CHEERS. loads of As huh! :D

wells, i never thought i would stumble across NICE SOULS anynmore. i thought the handful that i counted are the nicest people living. but you are included! BIG BROTHER PIGASS! :D i dont know what encounters you had, that left scars in your friendship routes adn you dont know mine too, but it seems the unspoken words are just reflected in our frequency. somehow, i guessed you'd got hurt badly like how i was too. Your tough exterior is just the accumulations over the years. i know you are always sitting there observing the charecters of others before venturing any further steps for fear of disappointment.. wells, im just glad to hear your side of story. You're really a nice pal, i should say. :) i think my deposite for this particular BANK is really coming in regularly and gradually. so, dont you dare cheat my interest. *grins!*

alrights, just some pictures of the ARTS FUSION'08 and random ones.

CHEESE! i stole from you, shaowei! ha

DANCERS!

'lets share. odd days you, even days me. deal.'

the blue one is my rapist. and im her molestor. *grins*

the other two are few of my scandals. HA

ANNIE HOW! i is less than 3 of you! =)

want some kisses? mwwwahs!

till im back, i'll miss everyone here! daddy, mummy, gor gor loads. <3

2008-05-19T04:32:00.000-07:00

Ohs, my vesak day was pathetically endurable. that's after a night of anger and frustration by some faggot. Here im ranting about his shameless, selfish, sucker's acts, i bet he's there texting and drooling over the girl who has confessed to him too. yucks, it's totally disgusting. you see, even if my own specie wanna die faster, choose one dignity filled and pride held high rather than dumping your entire life to some asshole who is irresponsible and just to me.. a pile of shit. literally and figuratively. FUCKER.

look, all of us have our privacy and our own social life to enjoy. you arent the only human being on this beautiful planet called earth yea? In this group, it's only me who dares to stand up to you shitass without a single word of apology. firstly, you are just a sucker who loves sucking up to authorities like how you suck your goddamn thumb if you lack a pacifier at the age of 17 for you- a year younger. AND that doesnt give you any fucking reason to be filled with lesser brain cells and juice for judging and knowing what's the good and average traits of US HUMAN. go eat your dog food, dog. and perhaps find your bitch and just scram. Im all ready for more excuses and more filling up our loopholes with your wonderful, innocent voice that recite your so called reasons in a apologetic way. save it will you? yea, take a bow dude! you left such a wonderful impression in teachers that you as someone who is given the leadership role in this group and able to carry out your task diligently. im laughing so hard, my belly hurts. then my question is, if someone else bothers about this whole task, worries about it, anxious about the whole progress and getting so workout cause of suckers present in the group- and for all you know, she is the other leader as well. then tell me, holy mama.. who's the leader here. who calls the shots with motive while who calls it all for show?

fill me in bustard, why are you having such LOUSY yet special internet connection that always seems to cut off when we need to get some work done? and why whenever we pressed you for your task or a pathetic excuse from you, your internet which we thought just died on us at the crucial minute suddenly gets revived in a split second. WONDERFUL. i wish to ahve such shit too, can? and im amazed that the plane you claimed to be on managed to send you to your computer; being online when you claimed to go for a holiday when we planned a meeting. WHOA MAN. which airline is that? uber efficient.

there's a million thousand reasons for me to hate you like how i get disgusted when i step on poo. YOU ARE THE SHIT. fuck man, i tell you..im not going to tolerate such crap from you anymore. and i tell you right now, though i know animals have 10 times lesser brain power than human biengs so i seriously doubt your comprehension skills. whatever is it, one more time and i'll just get a confrontation. let me make it clear- no one voice it out, doesnt mean you can have it your way? no one wishes to stand up, i'll do it. and i'll make sure you clean your face with shame.

and my my, of course you can do well in tests and all luh. imagine you ahve all time to do them when you should actually have half the time to as you have to include group work. if you didnt do well, then it spells alot about you. irresponsible, selfish, lazy, big fat fucking liar, and STUPID. so, dont bother keep asking around for how much each and everyoen scored for tests. cause you will just bring yourself more shame if you get lower. ever get any of my words into your pig brain? maybe not. you are a living dead. bustard.

and i see an equally dumbass who has willingly to sahre this very limelight with you. yada yada, the love of your life. how dumb some people can get, i wonder. ha, and im certainly LMAO.

god has bestowed you with your only ability to lie, and you are living in comfort of it. and i certainly wish that you are able to make a living out of your ability. all the best, fucker.

- im not the angelic kind of girl who watches her language with great caution. as long as i know my limits, yada.-

and how great to be without your sense of taste, smell and your hearing not being at the optimum level due to whatever the cause may be. nice. and being aggravated by some ass seriously isnt fun.

i have to stop complaining about college, i guess. but im somewhat disgusted. yesh. and the workload? sigh, piling and piling. and im stress like anything.

when i believe to give my best, someone else would be there to carry the rest for me. no? i see no one. and all i have is just my limbs and my brain. im pushing myh limits but yet holding on in some way cause im so afraid to fail. i dont know what's the best solution.

when incompetence fills my day;
slow and negative gets in the way,
i realised im weak like nothing.
everything pass that quickly. i took a breath, and now im here.
i wonder where i'll be in the next..

2008-05-09T08:22:00.000-07:00

Somehow, this week passed kinda slowly. Usually, the weeks passed so quickly, every incidents were brushed pass. Now, every pain and disappointments are that tangible. even now, yes.

I wonder if i have done anything wrong, to receive such treatments? i mean, if all these are started becasue of my habit of keeping quiet and isolating myself when im not in the right state of mind- i'm sorry. I think it's alright to mix around hte different genders. i thought it is a very natural move that we mixed. But when my action is taken to be a 'like', it becomes so painful for me to watch every move i made. Seriously, i dont know what i've done wrong. tell me?

From day one, the devil in me keeps asking 'why cant people change part of theri character for me?' i'm sure im not the only one feelign so. but i guessed i have the ability to change MY SIDE to compromise. and i know everyone thinks so too. If all of us continue to do so, aint we fulfilling everyone's desire?

no point mentioning about academics. loser.

dance was equally disappointing. i realised every minute is extremely precious here and also that not everyoen receive the same treatment even when teh same mistakes are made. It's a painful truth. i was really tired, drained out and just sleepy. i slacked in my determination. I did not push myself ot remembe the counts and steps. I usually had to, as i know im super slow. counts are killers. remembering them is hell. i covered my mistakes with laughters and jokes, but it seems it all irritates coach even more. i was the first to experienced getting her busted at me. a totally near-point. 'it was just 4 counts. and you could not get them right.' in the past, she ocne said' if you cant get your counts, you arent suited for a dancer.' it was totally 'ouch!' in the heart man. it's not taht i gave attitude durign practises. im really really tired. and i still am not sure how counts are count and anything dacners are expected to know, but i dont. i was in npcc, please. i'm not giving excuses nor drawing sympathys. it's a totally bummer shit for me.

when everyone and everything gets demanding;
as much as i do wanna meet them,
i wanna get away as well.

i'm afraid..

2008-04-23T14:26:00.000-07:00

YES! i'm uber uber UBER excited about saturday's performance. Yesterday's full dress was alright. I screwed my duet in the first run, but was slightly much better on the second.

I came home at 10 plus and i had to climb out of bed at 3 plus to do my PI. and i promised kyung to stay up with him to do our PIs. sorry man, i stole 3 hours to sleep. stinking pw, how it disrupts our lives. grr.. and till sat, i'll be having practises till 8 everyday. Never mind! i just wanna put up a great performance. for astro boy! ha, kiddings.

rights, time for school now. GREAT. at least there isnt any sissy piang tutorial today. he asked us if his handwiriting was ncie today. and said casue he;s in a good mood. and he said if he uses purple pen, means he is very happy for the day. HILARIOUS. and uber irritating. Oh! i have this sick habit, i keep wishing if i have a chnce, i really wanna go up to him and yank his hair off. i think it's a wig, you see.

@.@

2008-04-20T07:08:00.000-07:00

Seriously, you cant understand how im feeling right now. With all the endless pressure and demanding datelines, i cant take it man. it's torture for me, and it certainly irks me to see how some are able to cope damn fugding well. AM i just downright stupid or what? am i suited for school? or im better off sniffing some fudging glue out there. shit everything. i have never been so wrong about anything in my whole life. I have never feel this weak before. i have never get piss off like seconds after another that easily. what's wrong? tell me what's the damn problem? There are certainyl lots of helping hands out there, and i desperately wanna reach for them.I tried doing things on my own, and i tried to stand up to these shit and kept telling myself im strong, and i just have to work harder. i dont know where the fudging hell did i went wrong! I feel so stressed up by the minute. I cant breathe, literally. many said this school is school of great chers. Fuck this whole saying. i have concluded im a terrible loser, but i cant believe they made me doubt my capability more than ever. fudge the whole system. I hate everything of my life right now. it's sucky. it's just pure sucky. especially so, i hate you mr fucking gay physic shit. i despise you like you cant imagine how i do. attending your lessons are just because im afraid of the principal. If god bless me with more guts, though i know i have so much more than you do now.. i would have throw a desk at your damn face. you made me lose every single hope i held for physics. I wonder why cant you just go and jump off the building. Since you are unber fragile, just pick any curb adn trip your ass off. you just wasted another place on earth where a useful person could be born. i hate you. have been flucnking all tests so far. ALL BLOODY TESTS. if i dont copy hw, i guess i'll just fail all my daily homework. can you believe it? i just pluunged myself into hell willingly? no aims, no goals. just tiredness, hatred and anger bottling up by the miuute. I never felt this stressed, i never teared this much. i never felt like giving up this easily. i never felt like these before.

2008-04-13T09:08:00.000-07:00

jasmine is the world's most unhappy person ever since she enters college. i laughed and joked like some insane fellow, it's because i'm so deprived of it. come on, feel my pain? I dotn get to do so out of school. once im out of hell, self talks invade and u see the smiles erased from my face. and shit! i looked liek some 60 odd old hag. all thanks to school.

IM STRESS AH. oh my god, like i so darn need help in my physics and maths. these subjects cant love me like how econs is starting to fall in love with me. I'm trying to woo chemistry- still tryign very hard. chinese wanna divorce me but im salvaging my marriage with all my might. and GP is hte most tempremental lover of my concubines. HEADACHE.

if i just keep telling myself i can do it..
the work is half-done; not half more to go.
believe so.
i'll woah them with my charm.
HERE I COME PCME, DONT RUN AWAYYYYYY TONIGHT!!~

** one disgustign expereince. 812 tibs bus is filled with roaches! damn them. dont they clean the buses every now and then? can u imagine it? roaches crawling up you shoes, socks, up ur pants and clothes and nest in your hair. NICE.

school's starting in 7 hours' times and i have GP essay, mindmap, maths tutorials, chem tutorial, physics TONS OF TUTORIALS and econs readup. BUT IM NOT DOING THEM! im going ot bed. NEH NEH POO POO.

i had enough, that's why. signs of stress. ALERT- might aggravate anytime. Oh my shen.

2008-04-11T10:14:00.000-07:00

friday, exactly one week from the last post or what? rights. school is insane and is definitely getting me in the loser's mood. MUG, STUDY, MUG and it goes all around. and i certainly have to deal with some irritating, nerving exploding teachers. grrr. stupid.

anyway, homework is piling higggghh but i guessed i needa break. Everything revolves about tutorials and attending lectures, complete blur during lectures. get frustrate and shut out for the rest of the remaining eternity seconds. envious of people who understand the lecture and curse my stupidity or blame it on my constant procrastinations. get back to class, love some tutorials like chem and chinese where i spent them teasing weirdo tallie on my left and xiao bai and having the teacher staring at me like a damn hawk. physics tutorial IS THE BEST if you just ever want to die. definitely the best blood-throwing up hour or literally takign a knife and plunge it down ur heart multiple times. SUICIDE man, i tell you. firstly, mr teacher is like uber SISSY and practically ignores our pleas to go through OUR doubts. he thinks we dont know some of his 'he-thought' it is our doubts. shit him! seriosly man, all he lacks is a bra. come on! imagine a big MAN whom he should be, being SO SO affected and exclaimed like the world is ending when my lvoely class commented that he looked old. tell me about it. chrus my cursings yar? talkign about him makes me boil. i really feel liek repeating the headlines of 105 to throw a bigger, alive lizard at him. scare some guts out of him. from this, i cant believe i am like SO MAN. sheesh.

alrights, dance concert is coming up in two weeks times and my duet is screwed up. i am so dead. with my multiple brusies and i nearly twist my leg today- i seriously am having lots of problem. i cant keep to my counts. #$%^$^ i'll try my best though. prayssssss.

okays, i'm sorry dearies ade, jus and ying if i kinda distanced for the past days. ying u arent in sch, so yar. wells, i was sick and pretty tired.. at times i jsut suffer from swings yar? i know we looked out for each other, and that's what u guys did and i practically hung out with other people and neglected u people. im sorry, really. and definitely this cant stop me from linking to the fact u guys were like so cold today. say im sensitive or what. but i can now feel how u guys felt. being sick and tired cant be the excuses among friends. we share everything together. liek the text i forwarded to all of u- we'll help one another and stand by each other this gruelling time and in tiemso f fun and all. i admit i kinda take our friendship for granted for a moment but i've learnt to treasure it now. really. IM SORRY, GIRLS.

it's surprising that the final year book of cchy make me tear. specifically, i know what. the cold exterior of the school building no longer is it just a fascade. i guessed the interior is to. my memories down the specific corridors and how things came about. it's saddening. it is. it hurts to think, it obviously hurts to regret..

2008-03-29T08:49:00.000-07:00

Finally it's weekend. I bet no one can understand why do i want to embrace weekends this much. cause i am frighten of school! yucks.

wells, at least im proud that i've done my drafts fro econs articles recview. Just got to transfer into scrapbook. But my sense of archievement is always short-lived when i snap back to reality. Like hellos, i still have lots of tutorials to get rid of; and upcoming tests to study.

Chinese test, and probably physics class test this wednesday. Maths arithematic progression test this friday. ( suddenly, i feel the need to type everything out ot exaggerate that things sound sophiscated. HA, dumbass.) i've yet to touch any of them. god bless my soul, serious.

Wells, it's always been talking about how stress i am, how loser i feel and all. I reckon i whine till the world heard me. forget that, i'll put stress out for a moment. Now! i just need to acknowledge the good side about school. I have a wonderful class, no doubt. Thanks to people like don, kennedy, farhan- lessons are always interesting. yesterday, farhan was singing 'baby, comeback to me' not knowing our CT, ms low was actually behind me. When he turned with his mouth still moving with words utter, he laughed like hell. DARN FUNNY. laughters broke loose man. and i have don and this korean kid- kyung hoon who are the die-hard bimbos. Big guys squealing as they talk, and that funny handgestures.. hahas. and catchphrases like ' one more word. and i'll stuff kimchi up your ass!' hilarious luh. And here's where i meet real nice people like ying ying, adeline and justina. well, eyecandies are like a norm in college. i was jokign about some physicist who died and had some formula after him. Boltzman's constant, if im, not wrong. and i was joking about ying ying's ec, and she gave me the answer for boat moon's constant as y^2. HAHHAS, i thought it was funny but like i said. I was the only who laughed like mad. Oh! i call her pang sai face, who has a big ass. HAHA, she love people to caress her ASS which has billabong imprint on it and a couple of zips as well.

I just love my class man! friends who always look out for one another; giving encouragements; laughing and joking. purely nice. We are like a big family, and that's when i realised school isnt that bad afterall. er, probably just not bad a little.

Teachers are just undescrible. I've got a strict maths teacher, a super duper hate late comer econs teacher, a wonderful CT, a borrrrriinggggg chinese teacher and a ERM kinda feminine male physic teacher. IM PHYSICS RAP TOO.

what has become of the world man. as i was saying, whenever this phy teacher is teaching or when i ask him question, i cant help but feel dominant over him. LIkei m super manly or something. grrr. and he practically cant teach. 4 years of lousy physics teacher, and im stuck with one again. GREAT.

like half of anybody knows, i've take up dance. We will be having a concert at 26th april, 7.30pm in our school's audi. anyone interested to come? please buy from me. each dancer has to sell a min of 10, and i sold like only 2. PLEASE, buy from me ok? (:

im really really tired. everything just isnt coherent. grrr. alrights, i think i better get back to work. so much to do and tomorrow is sunday already! my gosh.

I NEED A GREEK TUTOR. FOR PCME.

2008-03-24T09:02:00.000-07:00

yet another round of whines.

The churning yucky feeling in my stomach wouldnt leave me alone; my eyes wouldnt want to eb bright and big to see my chemical formulas; and my temperature doesnt seems to tally with the environment? OMG- SICK?! small case luh. It's kinda sooner or later that i'll go down down down. endless nights with endless tutorials, with ultra lack of sleep is taking its toll.

i am suppose to do my chem redox tonight plus an econs case study. read up functions for lecture. what a joke- none is done. and im typing these letters here. i should be sleeping yea? sigh. tommorrow would be uber hell with physics tutorials too. seriously, why cant i make things simpler for myself? stress stress stress. WELCOME TO JC LIFE, ASSHOLE.

im exhausted. FATIGUE! the colour of my face was all drained out like a mudslide.. AND ALL THESE IS SERIOUSLY KILLING ME!!!!!!!! OMG, i so need a phychiatrist.

I've been taking greek classes ever since school started. AND IT'S STILL greek. It's super difficult alrights. TOTALLY a turning off thing.

I WANT TO SLEEP. I NEED IT. JUST ALLOW ME, WILL YOU?! GODAMNIT.

2008-03-21T04:53:00.000-07:00

It was seconds after i put my mobile in my bag. Now, i unzip it pull out the gadget and stared in a daze at it. I stood in the middle of the bus interchange, looking my phone not knowing what numbers to punch. I thought of people. andy, jon, weiling, zhenxing, but i slided it back. I knew the words they are going to say. i knew it too well. I knew another word out from my mouth and i'll snap. At that moment, i thought about almost everything.

Im trying. it's for sure this time. Im studying like a madcow. im burning every single night. Im stressed. im very stressed. I dont want to talk it out. i just want to cry. I had wanted to do so long ago. I had wanted to give up long ago. i didnt want to blog for so long, cause this are all the emotions i have for the past weeks. i didnt want to immerse myself in my emotions and whine because that's what i did in the past. i whine and someone will come along to cheer me up. There's always a someone. Now that everything is different. i wanted this difference to last. I wanted a chnage. i wanted to be strong. and i know i can. i believe i can. I try to do everythign myself, btu i did nothing in the end. Im not happy, im not healthy, im not alright. Everything is freaking me out like hell. I held on too tight, i whipped the horse to hard, all i thought was for it to go faster and faster and faster. But the horse died on me.

I took time out to blog this, knowing how severe my opportunity cost are. I tried enough..

I didnt expect this to be 10 times harder.
I took it hard and i 'broke.'
i braced myself, knowing im alone.
i took it doubly hard and i snap.
help.

' you gotta learn to let go..' said justina. ' GO REST.' she orders..
sounds easy. only.

im burned out.

2008-02-18T23:49:00.000-08:00

Finally i feel like filling up the spaces here. i've been up to nothign these days- slacking around till school starts on like wednesday? pretty fast on a second thought. havent get enough of hols perhaps. LIE. ha. i'm kinda frighten on the thought of SCHOOL. man, i so feel like a primary school kid movign to a total new enviroment in secondary school. The good thign then was being innocent, ignorant and naive. you know, when we arent really concern about how peopel look at us. BUT im moving on to being a 17 year old teenager in a high school. wells, add 14 to feb 14 and that the holy date. :D as i was saying- it isnt easy being a teen. Wells, i cant explain why it's not easy- cause if im able to, it would be easy right?

BLESS MY HIGH SCHOOL YEARS!

i've been rather free these two days and all i did was eat, eat and yea eat. i guess the hightlight of my activities was 'stormbreaker'. yea, the literature text i had when i was in secondary two? My brother rented the dvd and you bet i was uber thankful he rented it. i was squealing throughout the whole show. Man, yep you guessed it- alex rider was a HOT STUFF. heh heh. right, pretty face indeed. ALEX PETTYFER? oh god, handsome like anything. right after this, im gonna check out his other productions. ;)

i realised one uber serious, death-concerning fact about being fat. O.O the thing about being fat isnt that bad. you wont die being fat. but you will, if you grab a piece of your fats everyday complaining ' god, fats,' but you're indulging in sinful treats the other hand. sigh, im going to die! you see, i had a miserable valentine's day so i was kinda jealous that my brother got a home-baked chocolate pie by a girl who uber mad over him- i think. poor girl. wells, she's has taste i should say. MY BRO IS HANDSOME. * grin* alrights, the point is the moment my mom cut them up into equal pieces- i shouted' save some for me, must save some for me.' it isnt even mine, and i ate about 6 slices already- i so hop my maths is that bad that i always get an answer more than the usual. sheesh. ( my brother hasnt eat even a slice! HAHAS.) man, if my mouth wont stop chewing- the needle of my machine is gonna burst real soon. ebay! im selling my skinnies. :( but heys, the whatsoever eatign choz to feel happy is really true. somehow, i feel so happy. like an insane cow. @.@

there's a zen saying that the longest route a man ever takes in the 12 inches round from his heart to the mind. ( i read it in teh papers.) i dont understand what that means, by the way. that sounds so sophiscated. but i guess it should be somewhere i think. the highest archeivement for being a human being- is to accept your flaws. im so darn far from it. there'is so much i cant accept about myself- from physically, mentally to emotionally. the result of constant teasing and turn of events. but wells, i've progressed a baby level by taking thigns in my stride and live with it. first thing in my 'i wanna check it off' list- stop eating. i cant believe i typed it in words. got to stick by it now, i guess. for my skinnies- i will.

'what hurt the most' in its original form sang by R.F is like sad, pathetic feeling. But not through cascada. Techno changed the whole feeling being exude. hmmmm, anger..hatred..

i so want to see you get your rertribution. at least suffer like how i did. and i never want you to be alleviated from the pain. it's saddistic, isnt it? so for now, i'll swallow this anger and forget what i've said.

im a peaceful girl. * rolls eyes.*

2008-02-15T06:33:00.000-08:00

gee, i cant help but getting negative and cynical by the minute. i seriously need some couselling. HA. look, there's some facts and truth i cant accept and probably i wouldnt be. my life is much isolated from human beings now. so i just tend to think so much. tell me the last time u had a meal with me? a walk with me? a train ride home? hear me rant? blabber shit with me? gossiping? shopping? texting? HA, answer that human beings.

look, i dont miss anything. but you know how criminals feel when the yare sentence for something they didnt commit? I'm like sweeney todd. the only difference- he dares to kill. ha. wells, im afraid of spurting blood though. but i cant get enough of final destination. twisted heads, burned to death, break asses into pieces- ALL incensored simply FABULOUS. love it. it's just one of teh many changes i've noticed. ha.

the so many lies i've heard and came across are enough to fill a book. i can write a book about them. BEST-SELLER i guess. lies are bridges people use to get across. like a bridge itself- you want to cross to the other point- a desired destination. the only difference with lies used- your stepping board crumples. and im it. im fed up. I CANT STAND IT ANY LONGER. i see you people living like you havent sinned a shit. if i get another lie- i swear i'll kick you in the nuts. i'll scream in your face till you hate me forever. for now, it's hard not to be negative. each time i see a face, i wonder- now what? what's in store for me? more shit?

and the weirdest thing that's currently in me is so darn frigthening. i cant stand a sight of happiness. i feel sour, angry. tinge of hatred building up inside me. like i want the world to be how i'm feeling too. it's unfair huh? that's excatly how i feel too.
--

time wasnt a thing you could divide easily; there was no defined middle or begining or end. I could pretend to leave the past behind, but it would not leave me.

there are no such things as absolutes, not in life or in people. it was day by day, if not momeny bt moment. all you could do was take on as much weight as you can bear. if you're lucky, there's someone clsoe enough by to shoulder the rest.

see? 'IF YOU'RE LUCKY' and i so sure i've been unlucky my 16 years of living.
--

i swallowed, hard. ' You were the one who got out of the car in the parking lot that day and walked away.' i told him. ' you'd had it with me.'
'you ditched me at a club and wouldnt even tell me why,' he shot back, his voice raising. ' I was pissed.'
' Exactly,' I said. ' You were pissed. I'd let you down. i was not what you wanted me to be-'
'- and so you just bolted,' he finished.
' disappeared. one arguement, adn you're out of there.'
'what did you want me to do?' i said.
' tell me what was going on, for one,' he said. ' god, tell me something. it's liek what i've said, i could have handled it.'
' like you were handling my not say anything? you were furious with me.'
' so what? I was entitled,' he said. ' peopel get mad. it's no the end of the world.'
' so i was supposed to explain myself, adn let you be mad at me, adn then maybe you might have got over it-'
' i would have got over it.'
'- or not,' i said, glaring at him. ' maybe it would have changed everything.
' That happended anyway!' he said. ' i mean, look at us now. at least if you'd told me what was goign on, we could have dealt with it. As it was, you just left everything hanging, no resolution, nothing. Is that what you wanted? that i be gone for good, rather than just mad for a little while?'
I just stood there as he said this, teh words sinking in. ' i didnt realise that was an option.'
' of course it was,' he said. ' whatever it was, it couldnt have been that bad. all you ahve to do was be honest. tell me what really happened.'
'it's not that easy.'
'is this? ignoring and advoiding each other, acting like we were never friends? maybe for you. it's sucked for me. i dont like playign games.'
' i dont like that either.' i said.
' if it's so big that it's worth all this,' he said, ' all this crap and weirdness that's happened since then, it's too big to keep inside. you know that.'
' and dont tell me that is easy for me, because it's not. these last couple of months have sucked, not knowing what's going on with you. what is it? whats' so bad you cant even tell me?'
--

feel me? i'm not the helpless girl fighting back- instead im the tough guy retorting back. hear me? understand me?

sheesh, the world is helpless- deaf and blind.

2008-02-14T06:27:00.000-08:00

rights, i'm so glad i survived the day, the work, the lunchbreak, the train ride home.

Really, i literally gave faces and shook my head countless times today. The most unbearable time of the day was the ever lasting train ride home. see, a single soul amongst smooching couples. the worst thing was they smooch, they peck, then turn around and look at me. WHAT YOUR PROBLEM? I am happy with the pole provided by government; im happy my fat legs are able to prevent me from falling. see? im not like YOU- pretending to fall and peck the tree. GOSH, silly.

wells, this year seems to be flower fanatic. all girls are carrying like a small bouquet of it. hmmm, occasiaonal balloons are a surprise. like how a boyfriend came to rob and present it to his girlfriend at our level. HAHA. funny.

heys! what's the big deal about valentine's day? alrights, it's just a person name valentine- that's not the point- the point is HE DIED and we celebrate his death huh? cool. :D

If i'm living my days as it is now- no school work to fret, no studies to worry- i was truly happy inside out 5 months ago.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

p.s i've grown to be cynical and sarcastic. cheers!

2008-02-09T07:00:00.000-08:00

Tell me about 2 movies in a row man! UBER COOL.

i caught SWEENY TODD on the second day of chinese new year. It's one i couldnt describe. Instead of speaking, they sang. it's an adaption of a musical, so yar-as expected. The actors are all gohtic, for heaven sake. white face, bad rings. or rather, ghostly. It's M18 for one scary but after which boring reason- he slash the throat and blood splurt out liek ketchup packets. no censor that's it. HUMAN MEATPIES too. so yar. just stay away from meatpies, balls, bread, puffs whatever. In case, you spit out a toe. take the advice from guru.

Rights! and today i finished the novel i've been reading for liek weeks? i was praising the book liek mad after my completion and my stinky brother said that's because it's the one-ever novel i complete. so much for some praises. Wells, and i spent my evening with JAY. he's handsome, he's cool, he's cute, he's simply breath-taking. LAUGH OUT LOUD. some pervert indeed. Throughout the entire show, cuz and i were like squealing over his every actions. for my stinky brother's information- he did utter words. -.- ALOT of them. we did not watch a mime. and his voice sereandes me that much, i forgot i wanted to pee. HA. it's really not realistic-it's so OUT of the universe plot but the story flows and jay himself is enough to cover the flaws of the movie. Smart move of the director i should say. HA. there're some basketball terms used as well, as usual i dont understand a single bit but im memerised by the stunts and all. PLAIN COOL. This has just fuel my love for erm, WATCHING a game. ha. catch it! it's darn nice and cool. definitely a thumbs-up. ( seriously, the plot is rubbish. HAHAS. ) irony huh. OH YAR, alex, you talk like jay; shan yi, you act and behave like jay. i realised taht these two pals of mine kept popping into my brain during the movie! there's one particular scene when the teacher punched jay and teh expression he gave as he walked away= shan yi's daily actions, he looked liek jay too! maybe a littel bit. HA. the way alex talk=jay's. IMPOSTERS! tsk tsk. come again, jay's WAY TOO GOOD for you imposters to catch up. WORK HARD. :D

wells, about the novel- i'll write about it tomorrow.

but, those words are words i wish to say. Words of anger and fear, and how i see a different person now in my mirror. let me think and gather my thoughts first, i guess.

2008-02-03T03:50:00.000-08:00

alrights, im not doing anything fulfiling and THAT's simply irritating. i feel so guilty! im not making full use of my time but idling here and there. WORKING is not considered as a fulfiling activity. I want ot study! i want to go to school! i want to get my head in books! I miss everything about school! dont laugh at me casue i know many of you out there are too. IT'S so boring! on a second thought, i will get my fair share of stress and tears FROM stress real soon- so why not just live with the boredom or rather make full use of it by JUST BE BORED. make so sure i feel so darn sick of having nothing to do that i'll love stress in the time to come. hmm, so where shall i go tomorrow? HAHAS, how quick huh.

Had sake sushi with family and cuz. I only remembered that i focused on eating and nothing but eating. It's like FINALLY i can sink my teeth on those delicacies can? I so love the octopus, whatever the japanese name. is it chanmi of what. I still cant get enough of sushi. anyone game for a meal? ANOTHER meal is all enough to satisfy FATTY.

ohhhhhh, im just squirming in excitement. CNY CNY! cant wait to wear new clothes and stuff myself with those food! FOOD! oh the thought of it is so enough to make me want another dinner. this very thought is always punctuated by another thought that my stinking-loving brother always love to grab my arm and squeeze it like he's playign dough. What's worse- he comments that i'm fat and he continues to squeeze them. argh.

rights, im simply vain. i want to buy new nail colours yar? HAHAS. hopefully i wont get lazy to choose the colours. ha.

helped to hang up the decos we bought and i realised i have fat fingers. cause it's so hard to tie the SHORT strings. but then again, they're SHORT- so yar.

my brother was talking about this ever irritating fellow in his class and that brought me to compare the similarities of that fellow to that of hte person i detest right to her bones. even that, i think she stinks. i remembered my mommy tried to educate her baby by telling me some chinese proverb which meant 'even if your enermy says bad things about you; you dont retaliate but say good things about her.' the next reaction of mine was so immediate. i was like hellos? say good things about HER? i just did a good deed by labelling her as HER and not some shit. even that doesnt suits her, i bet. i mean for one, she has no good factors for me to praise. secondly, why on earth must i SAY GOOD THINGS about her when in the first place she bad-mouthed me and spread rumors that reflects her stupidity and childishness. p.s she did that THROUGHOUT 2007- which is like simply dumb and just lame. thirdly, she carries herself in such a bitchy way.. like bitching around is a GOOD habit of hers and she would die if that's excluded in her routine. Her daily dosage is just simply EEEW. lastly- which i find it so hard to say cause i think the list is endless- she takes friends like a boogey in her nose. betrayals seems to be an exciting, interesting noun for her. she's such a surface freak. it's super obvious that her victims know that they are victims of her endless tauntings but she goes to them wide-eyed, innocent and said 'hi.' ahh, bitch stop acting like you're really oblivious to everything. I'm not the kind who just sits around and let you do all shit all day. seriously, i pity you- are you feeling unsecure or what? you're just such a loser.

please, if i'm ugly, i dare you to stand in front of a mirror and say you're pretty inside out. if you do, i'll just slap you and advice you to wake up. i wont comment about your appeareance cause im not a guy who fancies your bloody facade. but i'll just say you CLAIM to be fantastic. (:

Let me rant a little more yar. cause after the lunar new year, i wouldnt want to dirty my mouth and mind about her. seriously, be it before or after new year- you'll be sorry if you do it another time.

LOSER!

2008-02-02T18:06:00.000-08:00

it's like WHAT?! im working on valentines' day!! sheesh.

I wonder why am i complaining or rather whining about it. no dates, no choc, no flowers for me anyway. it would be just another routine day of work, whatever so. Man, it's like half a day in town seeing couples in town. irk factor hit the max, i tell you. flowers in the girl's hand, bag in the guy's; smooching behind pillars; hands up some wrong place; chocolates that speak louder than bloody redundant words- i love you. That's all in the name of VALENTINE.

heys, whatever am i talking about the occasion when chinese new year have not even come? i've gotten my first red packet and man you can see how happy i am. :D and still counting!

you know.. sometimes you feel down for no reason or whatever so. just NO reason. nope, not like big auntie is coming for a visit. But it's just like that- emo, which have been overused in 2007. you allow your imaginations to go wrong- thinking of stuff you cursed yourself to forget. come again, im not thinking. it just happens so, when everything seems to be happen right in front of you- replaying every seconds of it. whatever shit im blabbering, it's just a minute of not feeling HAPPY which simple defies my resolution to stay out of shit and let shit stay out of my way. the result? free of nursing those bloody shit wounds, and cursing under my covers at night, and of course feeling happy and hopefully ECSTATIC. like how on earth can i feel that way? ha.

i swear i will strangle you to live.

words of the day: simply whatever, scram before i mince your bones.

2008-01-31T00:35:00.000-08:00

Slacked like a pig today- GREAT. well, failed to drag myself to the pool for a tan today- gave the excuse that a piece of dark cloud was in my sight. Obviously, it didnt rain the whole day right. I still have 4th and 5th. HEH, i will tan i promise.

Just surfed the net the whole afternoon and god, i still realised i love xiaozhu. HA. there's this video which is super funny and cute. His ever famous grin never fails to melt me. AHHHH. god, im beyond cure. @.@

there's other video which i happen to stumble across and it's REALLY REALLY cool. the host of it are HANDSOME students man. i specially like the one who kept introducing the whole issue. That haircut of his is just trendy, and that grin plastered on his face is just WA. =)

videos speak louder for themselves. :D

it's so true. girls ABHOR, DETEST, HATE dirty nails. so boys, trim that long nails you guys kept got no reason. hahas. I cant help but laugh at the fact the guy got to know the girl in such a way. HAHAS, SMART friends he's got. HEY HEY HEY, anyone noticed? the guy looked like EDISON right? cutieeeeeeeeeeee.

oh yar, does anyone have 5566's final trap yes sir and one world one dream these songs? Send me yar? (:

2008-01-30T00:48:00.000-08:00

Supposedly im not needed at work today, that's why i am given off. Such a placeholder-OFF. Put it in a nasty way, they just had to cut down on expenses. HAHAS. well well, im not unhappy about it. I get to sleep whole day too and that's heavenly.

I slept like 10 plus and woke up like an hour before twelve. A DAY WASTED. I got to cure my heavy eyebags anyway, so yar. Watched 'take the lead' in the afternoon. It's really cool man, but i prefer 'step up' to this. Because obviously, the leads in the latter made great eye-candies as compared to the former- which i think Rock and Rette are handsome and sexy. Alrights, the point is, it's DANCE- obviously. Watching it just fuel the passion i hold for it! i dreamt of performing countless times, and i cant wait for april's concert IF i join that family. It'll teach me how to juggle my studies and my darling love too. HA. it's time i grow super up.

There's two different love- for the fame and glamour on stage OR to statisfy the adrenalin rush when you dance or when you watch a performance.

Someone said a true love for dance should be the latter. The only reason for you to dance. That's why i wonder what's mine. It's like the fact eyes are looking at the dancers on stage as hot music never fails to attract the masses. It's ok they arent looking at ME specificly, but at least i know i make part of it. Dance may be one man's show. It can be, but for me i prefer enjoying with a group. Teamwork, that's it. Working the steps and chemistry among them is just cool.

I regretted not letting go and let my heart out when i took class. I so want to relish those moments ans make the best out of them again, given the chance.

I SO WANT TO SATISFY MY HUNGER!

rights, im off tomorrow as well. I so need to get a tan- im as white as a sheet of paper. Got to collect my membership card too. HA, freebies after that man, how cool. and i got to sleep and do thousand crunches too. SO YEP.

**

was reading some friends' blog and it kept me thinking about the friends i treasure. Put aside some who were just so bad, well despicable should be the word. There're some friendship which are tangible and worth keeping.

2007 has brought me friends who never leave me behind too. (:

swee, jun xian, jon, danny, kai qi. It's like in a race, and i'm the last person on track. They'll be the one encouraging me and pushing me to my peak- though i never really reach there at any one point. At least, i feel included and encouraged by their words. I remembered that danny taught me trigo- from square one to something enter my brain, at least. He would always teach me sums so patiently. As swee, jun xian and danny surrounds me in class- help would always be galdly rendered to me. hell of laughters do erupt among us too as we joked all day long. Jon is someone whom i had overlooked these years. I feel so guilty. ha, I realised he never fails to give me advices. He's someone i can cry all day to, i can smile all day to and i act stupid all day too! We've got so much to talk about and our conversation can never end in one phone call. Sadly, he's busy studying and im working, so lesser time to crap. And that means lesser time of fun. I can say he's someone i trust though i've been brought round and about by remarks and comments. you're my confidante man! DUDE, i so love you. :D

swee lian and kai qi are just my best girlfriends. The kind whom i feel so relax with and im happy being myself, no fears of anything. Their company is really great. greal time with great pals.

weiling! all yjcians are so busy mugging now, i guess you wont stumble across here. wells, havent got to really speak to her for 2 years. But for two years ago, those little cards you make and gifts you gave- i still keep them. The one time you cheered me me when i cried like a pig still etched in my mind. And yes, i missed the times when you made great laughing partners. (:

cross over 2008, which brought me closer friends like my ever best fudging pal, alex. HAHAS. his company is really great. though i've only like know him for a short while, i enjoyed training to and fro with him, our sentences fudging here and there and teasing righhhhttttt to the doorsteps. i remembered YOU most clearly for the fact you went insane from smelling your packet of dinner. YUCKS, you should have seen your own face. LOL. thanks for all the advices too!

These friendships are somewhat simple, with no backstabbing what-not. I feel comfortable with them and i know i can trust them.

i love you guys! <3

2008-01-29T06:06:00.000-08:00

DAMN IT! i sinned today, sheesh! - i ate BURGER KING! and i ate the cookies with was meant for customers too. god, im really guilty.

Apparantly, those cookies are from my company. It's shaped really cute- cheongsum. There's a date that states 27122007. Below it was a malay word which of course i couldnt comprehend. Boss asked us to try them to see if the cookie tasted weird and so obviously ONLY I went to ate like 4? HAHAS, boss allows me to do so alrights. She said those cookies go to the bin anyway, if customers still dont claim them within a week. So why not they enter my mouth? (: SAVE THE EARTH.

Till now, i dont even know if the date is expiry date or manufacture date. Should be the latter cause i did not visit the toilet. I should be fine. HA

Ate swill rolls for dinner and a stick of choc. SHIT MAN, i think i got to sell my skinnys on e-bay soon if this continue.

STOP MUNCHING JASMINE! i want to shed FATTY nick alrights.

SIGH! by cny please? if not, SEXY isnt how to describe JASMINE. Laugh out so darn out. *shy* :D

2008-01-28T00:20:00.000-08:00

im feeling so sleepy, but im just lazy to sleep. the bed seems farrr away yar? like two, no FOURS tiles away from my chair. call me weird.

Shopping yesterday was fun ( THAT's a serious placeholder, ha!). Alrights, interesting with plenty of satisfaction to the eyes, shall be the word yar? :D new urbanmale was flooded with pretty boys. Two hearts nearly stopped beating when one of them smiled at us! gosh, i can still picture that tan bod, tall physique, sparkling eyes, pearly white teeth, HANDSOME FACE. ahhhhh, pleasure~ hahahas!

I think im nearly broke after yesterday cause i contemplated for such a LONG time for a 27.50 cardigen. you know those with long sleeve (that's what i prefer) but is short in length as it reached kinda under my chest and you can tie a knot at the front. something like that. I've own so many boring t-shirts, so if i pull that on i can get a more formal look without fussing so much. SEE? it's a practical buy. But it certainly pains each tiem i pull a note out of my wallet. oh well anyway, bought skinny jeans- that's like can you believe it? i can actually fit into one?! and i havent grow in size as i stick to my sec 1's size? my god, i JUST realized THAT's a bad news. It's black as i dare not venture into other colour maybe just yet. bright colour make full bottom FULLER, you know? laugh out loud.

I just cant seem to get satisfied with my buys, i tell you. After one buy, i'd be wantign more adn MORE. seriously i got to refrain from MALLS. see, if im joining dance, im so sure specific attire is needed. What's more, wearing the right kind of attire, do boost one's confidence. IT'S TRUE. so i'd probably need looser tees, those yoga pants, pair of new sneakers. wells, caps are not neccessary, but i'd love to have one. It can cover my face if let say im having a bad-attire day. MAMA MIA. ha.

alrights, i want a jacket with pockets in the middles, where i can stick my hands in!!!! ( no one hears me pleas.. HAHAS.) i want that black cardigen i'd mentioned just now too. The ' I <3 JAZZ' tee i saw at AMK central too. The kinda belt with the huge tiara at the front- wells, if any other sexy buckle would do as well cause tiara seems to be too common. That particular havanna too! not the usual ones at newurbanmale, but the brown ones with stripes or lines at the base. Talking about that, i saw the exact pair i wanted at YJ the other day- that belongs to someone who i think had to perform so they left their belongings in the LT. I was so desperate and sarah helped by checking out any tags or whatever so in the soles of the havanna. HAHAS, sadly there's none. :( A big tote to replace the red one im using that doesnt go with any of my outfits.-.- A watch- those cheapo ones like one for 5 bucks? their designs are much cooler. i've walked town and most cost 10 bucks with not much designs. wells, one caught my eyes in AMK hub but i wonder how much it cost, tsk.

YES! i've work tomorrow- grabbing cash whenever i can man! PLUS, lose fats lose fats lose fats!! :D

ahh, i was reading my past entries adn i realised nov 27th and 30th entries- i wrote them quite well. The emotions there are still as tangible as ever. hmmm, a writer in the making? CHEYY~ (:

2008-01-27T00:24:00.000-08:00

I can finally heave a sigh of relieve. Given my horrendous prelims scores, i had really improved in the nick of time. HA. I cant be bother about what others think but to me, i'm really really contented. I cant say there is still room for improvement- not that there's no more another year BUT because i've given my best shot!

I was like experiencing insomia for these past days as i've been thinking back; laying on my bed with the lights out and looking around my room like im leaving it. HAHA. I remembered that my amaths was my worst of the worst. Till prelim i cant even grasp the basic, i was like so depressed and thought of giving up that. The times i came home glum about failing tests after tests still stick in my brain. Once, i thought AMATHS IS A GONER for me. I cried telling myself no one can help me- it's too late and i dont think i can help myself too. BUT I MET MY FAIRYGODMOTHER!! a million thanks are is seriously not enough. It's like she revived the dead. IM dead and she revived me. So low in confidence, but slowly she brought it back bit by bit for me. i was like so happy whenever i'm able to solve even one question on my own. THANK YOU FAIRYGODMOTHER! (:

I was kinda taken aback by my results. It was certainly my best and too good to be true. I gained so much from a single piece of paper. I had lost my confidence- all of it. Somehow, i had to get through the O's. I pushed a little harder till the end..

Persevere, sheer hardwork and determination. These didnt come easy, of course. Some shitheads left me with a huge emotional baggage to handle, my already low self-esteem and teeny bit of playfulness and laziness are sure KILLERS. im just so glad the fear in me for O's surpass these baddies.

I had alot to prove.

Im not smart, that's what i know obviously. THAT'S WHY.

It's a sweet victory for me. I dont compete- i work for myself. i hadnt let jasmine down. that's the coolest thing ever.. :D yey!!

After an inspirational chat with my ever self-proclaimed-girls-flock-to-him brother, i was SO ENLIGHTEN. come to think about it, i was dumb really.

Be it for the thrill, or you'd loved me once ( that sounds so disgusting), whatever shit reasons you can squeeze out- YOU'RE HISTORY. no thank you for sweet memories and THAT ever sucky, moment you wanted to end.

BYE.

YJC's open house was ok. i wasnt there for the games, i was so sleepy and tired. Just wanted to be alone- but i had to know somethings about it. just out of curiousity. HA. if i join dance, which i think most likely i'd be- i'll be learning HIP HOP JAZZ, and one other jazz. didnt really catch what the senior said. Im so excited man! i'd been longing to dance again. It's time to lose soem fats. or rather, LOTS OF THEM. sheesh

alrights. had a reminising session about angry stuffs with sarah in the school library. TALKING ABOUT BITCH. seems like i need not hide my hatred for some slut. nice nic- CHICKEN. But then, if i rant here about IT, then i will be no difference from her, no no a grave MISTAKE- no difference from IT, right? This is the least im allowing my anger to go, It doesnt worth me getting so affected too.

what goes around comes around. it's just a matter of time.

For some unknown reason, im really happy today. this feeling is the best kind i've ever felt. SO relax. SHOPPING WITH FAIRYGODMOTHER tomorrow. cant wait to get onto my pumkin vehicle. what the hell do you call that? HAHAS.

CASH CASH CASH. bestow me with tons of them!

2008-01-21T07:35:00.000-08:00

IT's MONDAY!! wonder why am i so mad about mondays, probably im just MAD, rights.

im arming myself with camera nowadays. i so love taking photo cause i know i look GREAT. hahas, cheyyy~ crazy photos suit crazy people like those at 3rd floor. H A H A. (: eslin baby, u dont need make up to take photo with me, cause i still stand out. CHEY! laugh out loud.

Rights, these days i just fall in love with nasi briyani so much..i craved for it like a pregnant woman. HA. luckily, the fear of getting fat and nobody wanting me haunts me like mad and that prevented me from visiting emarald for my favourite meal. TSK.

OH YAR, i got stuck in the bloody ROB's lift today and i was so so scared. i was like alone when suddenly the lift jerked and it stops. If it blacks out, man..i tell you i'll faint straight away. did i scream for help? no, that's the dumb thing. i forgot i could have shout for help. HAHAS. i saw that the door was slightly ajar, so i pushed open the door. im so so relieved to see mama and liza instead of metal bars-telling me im somewhere in middle of the lift. the weird thing is i started screaming when i jumped out of the lift. -.- STUPID huh.

I love my bunch of girlfriends, but i so so hate to luch with some of them- i dreaded it when they smoke. ARGH. some people acted strong and able to accept it- but not me. i gobbled up my food as fast as my fat mouth can chew and i yak at them to stop puffing. i tried sticking me head under eslin's pit, telling her i rather smell her ordour. GOD, fresh air is so darn precious. im so not going to breathe for one hour in future. TSK.

STOP ASKING IF IM ATTACHED. this question is making me sick, seriously. IM NOT, for your bloody information.

all of a sudden, i got shy today. HAHAS, when i do.. eslin said that's when im a true GIRL. sheesh! do people really wish im a guy? no, i wouldnt want and im sure you know my reason behind. SO obvious. (:

so much happenings, shall blog other time. ahhh, sometime i wonder..how would my children feel when they read their mommy's journals with serious spellings, grammar errors coupled with terrible sentence structures PLUS being incoherent.. LOL.

2008-01-18T18:59:00.000-08:00

oh, i haven't been feeding your needs, baby blog. HAA.

Wells, being a promoter seriously isnt easy. yes, i know i can yak and yak like mad but when come to serving customers-no, thank you. Thankfully, i manage to get rid of that attitude and im fine serving customers! Caugth a big fish yesterday-she buys half of the clothes i recommand. see? i do have great fashion sense too. HA! Besides, serving customers, promoters in this line have to do so many paperwork. Im glad im spared from those. And we do haev to steam iron all the clothes as well. Maybe you have guessed it- i've iron my hands countless of times! im relieved my beautiful pairs of hands are still intach. :D

I wonder what's with the suddenly burst in adding of friends in my friendster. It was kinda dead initially but these days my msn and friendster got so busy. Disgusting people asking disgusting questions and i shut them up with fuck off. seriously, these sex-deprived people shouldnt use internet as a tool. Get your ass somewhere else alrights? asking things like what kinda guys i desire, what would i do if my boyfriend masturbate. i was taken aback by these questions man..

casper, it seems like i've misunderstood you and your intentions. The reason you gave for your disappearance- i shall accept it. maybe it takes time for me to adjust when i meet someone who clearly can think and not for the minute thrill of it. i dont know why i chose to take it as a reason and not an excuse. i guess i chose to follow my heart again. Given the time i talk to you in the face- i think you arent capable of cheating me, or lying. im really sorry. wells, study hard and aces your exams! we'll still be friends, and i treasure that more. (:

recently, i got caught up in a this book which keeps me company on those lonely bus rides. It remidns me of our future musician- MR VINCENT TAN. lols, if you are reading this- HELLOS!
shall give the details of why other time, but im sure vincent you'll nog vigourously when i show you how the guy explain about the different people who love music and who claim to do so. Also, when he describe himself. (:

i admit i dont know how to appreciate classic music. but i do love pusseycat dolls who are famous for their belly buttons instead of their tunes? whatever it is, i so love the story. it's getting more and more interesting..

today is my offday but my girlfriends haev all fall in love with work instead of me! it seems i've got to tour town myself in the afternoon, buyign atuffs i've reserved- bag, tube top, bras. stupid man, i have not got the time to buy my new year clothes too. hmm, mayeb this year i shall not spend too much on elaborated tops. A simple top would be fine. Anyway, the clothes doesnt matter much too- it's the person who does. HAHAS. and im sure i do! :D

the thing is i dont know my way round dhouby ghuat station- so big! i'm afraid i might just lose my way in there. This means, i cant get my nail base coat, and nail polish removal! sheesh! i so want ot paint my nails btu i promsie myself i wont do so till i get the base coat which prevent staining. SOMEONE! get me to PS! yes, im vain and am noob in directions. HA!

think i'll get going now. im going to buy EVERYTHING! YEY. girlfriends, you guys owe me many dates. HAHAS. and i've made a list with doreen, sarah as number one! ha.

2008-01-18T05:33:00.000-08:00

oh yar, by the way.. i'm almost frank here in my blog. I speak my mind, though sometimes i pepper them with sarcasm. In here, i see my emotions clear and vivid- i dont need to hide. I dobelieve girls have to be demure and watchful of their language- but that really doesnt applies to me IN TEXT. of course, i dont blabber those words any old how. i know my limits.

If you are kinda offended by my words, just tell me- R and R. rephrase and redirect and i'll do so. Most of the time though, i wouldnt put anyone in a badlight unless they do so first. Then, i wouldnt hesitate too, but reciprocate your kind and lovely words. (:

most of the time, JASMINE loves everyone.

2008-01-14T08:01:00.000-08:00

It's a hurting truth, which im thankful i finally hear it. claimed to be reliable. Im now much more determined to HATE and to forget. i wish to be diagnosed that im suffering from memories lost. I WANT TO ERASE YOU AND YOUR LEGACIES. those stupid stars shall not remind me of you- as what you've said. I dont care if i curse people openly now cause i dont want to remember that you'd taught me to accept people for who they are. You've forgotten that i existed in you life, i can do so too. I can surpass you, im so sure.

casper, you're a bloody jerk too.

i know what i want is non-existance.

like having someone caring, understanding, honouring his words, responsible.

i just dont understand man..

2008-01-13T16:46:00.000-08:00

HAHAHAHHAHAHHAS. i can really laugh my ass off this time; rolling on the floor hugging my stomach and tear so much. A little closer and you'll realise it's all IN PAIN..

I dont know if it was a right thing to spit it all out, though for a second i feel really great. But the next moment, i asked myself- why am i remembering all and everything about it? i should have forgotten about it, shouldnt i? I feel like i immerse myself in the pain i thought i had forgotten how it feels. 3, 4 months is so damn fudging long to me, i didnt even realise it had been so short since the fatal shitty incident. ( HA! sounds like some holy, the-shall-not-be-name kinda thing. PUI.)

I seriously have no idea how people think of me, because im uncertain about how to describe the way i carry myself to them. Once upon a time, i was able to describe but it all turnt out wrong. So, please teach me more vocabulary?

Alrights, see? bastards are seriously on the loose. CASPER is just like the rest.. one who doesnt honour his words. Seriously man, i wonder why such faggots exist- to fill up the gaps between solids? And god damn it, this shall be the final time i'm believing BOYS. his age should make him a MAN, but seriously he's more kid than i thought. Childish and immature, one who ran away and disappear into thin air after some texts. IDIOT.

I'm writing this entry and wishing i can just step and crush all these letters under my feet. Can anyone feel my anguish, annoyance, anger and intense disgust?

This would be the last time, i swear.

Damn it.

totally, completely, absolutely LOST IT.

FUCK YOU FAGGOTS.

2008-01-11T17:29:00.000-08:00

It's friday and my heart is feeling all heavy. Mixed feelings.

Robinson centrepoint has become a second home to me. Although i'm only a part-timer taking a vacation job, i've never been treated as one. Every minute there was laughter and fun. I'm really lucky to be attached to this department- the others draw the line of superiors and subodinates so darn clear. Some got so bored and frustrated working there as a result.

The people i meet over at rob are absolutely marvellous. Mas- the funny married, cheeky woman who always jokes. Mag- my manager. Pretty mama to all of us young ones. Aiyah- nicest manager you can ever have. You can always talk to her and she's a friend to all of us too. Florance- the only grandma among us. a little naggy and cold jokes, but she never fails to care for me in simple short sentences. ha! Eliza- the crazy woman who always go other departments to look for things to reserve for her husband. She always consult and trust our taste. Cora- though i still hold a fear for her, she exude coolness in her words and is really a hard, tough person. She's a sarcastic but she meant well. A supervisor indeed. Karen- pretty mother, who jokes with us. Whenever Karen, Vi and I are together, giggles never fail to explode within seconds. HAHAS, really funny. And there are still nana, suzanna, auntie tortise, MAMA! ( she's really really nice and approachable), deena, cheryl, azura, mercer, pauline, lynette, phyu phyu, sarah, elaine- the stupid woman who said i handsome and it's a pity for me to be a girl. HOW INSULTING. but given my attitude, i tease her back and it's hell of tickle and laughs between us. And rob is the place where JASMINE meets JASMINE. hahas! She's a promoter and really beautiful. She's my sister! (: And people like meiyan who is really nice to tell me facts of life and the ugly side of society where i had failed to see.

Friends from other levels are friendly and worth mentioning too. Well, i can say i had reconcile with sly- so we are friends again! ha. Kim teck, FIR, Lois, dragonfly, edwin- the super egoistic fellow who claims im texting him when we were both using our phones on the escalator.

Man! i tried to write everyone down cause i wish to have a memory of every single person and moment i have here. But my family is REALLY big and it's hard. (: seriously, i love everyone there, really love them alot. Im remembered and nic as siaozabo but it doesnt matter! (: We enjoyed everybody's company.

For the first time, i feel so loved and included- and i mean it. I can FEEL these feelings.

**

Call it once bitten many times shy. I guess I had over estimated myself for being mature and understand what's love about. Mixed feelings, that's it. Love, like, fling. Someone tell me the real defination of all of these 3 english words. I cant help but question myself now. I am able to advice one of my colleague but that's when i start to wonder- do i really understand all these stuffs, do i really know what i want, or am i asking too much, am i being too strict and having too high a expectaions. So much so, my confidence starts to take a dip. Every move i take now seems to be unreal and uncertain. Follow your heart, i used to do that.. bu t it seems so much harm done, i cant think and follow confidently. Am i asking for what seems to be answers in a beauty peageant? Standard and for pleasing sake? im really confuse. tell me what to do, tell me if im right, chide me if im wrong, just anything to clear the block in my head. im really desperate for an answer, a view of another person.

Just who can i turn to..

casper is nice, but thoughts linger..

that it will become like the rest- that bad.

So, im staying put-firmly.

2008-01-07T01:27:00.000-08:00

It's MONDAY and that means OFFDAY. (: I woke up so darn early in the morning, hoping it would be sorching hot, so that i can so get a tan. Who knows, it was overcast. TSK. Still, i went in the afternoon to get what i want. I know the afternoon sunrays are really bad, but i cant take myself any longer. Like a big, fat white person. So fair. HAHAS, 'so' may be a little exaggerated. The result isnt great, but at least i get a little darker. yey

It was Pau's last day of work yesterday, and im the one feeling sad. She's my clsoe bud there adn without her, it would certainly be no fun. Her sis and her make great crazy partners. I couldnt believe what i heard from Logan yesterday. I was so scared, till i didnt know my coke was actually flowing all the way out and i didnt get a sip at all! My ears were burning red, i tell you. When i went to the ladies, people looked at my face and thought i had a sunburnt. I was so red. That's what vasodilation means. STUPID BLUSHING. lols. Pau was relishing every minute of it man! Terrible. I guess.. it was DIFINITELY a GREAT DAY afterall huh. *winks* ha.

My appetite becomes bad again today. The weird thing is, i didnt eat my breakfast and lunch, but i did not feel hungry at all. What's more, i actually fetl full after having a couple spoonful of rice. I forced myself to finish the whole bowl of cabbage though.

It's back to work tomorrow. Last week.. kinda reluctant to go. The reluctance i experienced every morning-having to crawl out of bed to prepare for work isnt that bad as compared to going to school. Good things come to an end i guess. typical. wells, i'll enjoy every minute of it then. (:

CASPER is difinitely CUTE, i think.

2008-01-05T20:00:00.000-08:00

i wanna RANT RANT RANT. given my schedule, i will always be blogging about the day before stuff. sheesh.

Maybe i have not witness flirts before. or rather not that direct flirting? Seriously, he's just a bastard. I thought he was a friend, and it seems FRIEND is too much of a compliment for him. I didnt promise to dine with you guys-i have my rights and my freedom, and my bunch of other friends. yada yada, your stinking attitude just reflect your stinking character which i realised it only now. A text of sorry is not going to change anything alrights? Sorries have been overrated. They've lost thier meaning. YEA, i sounded like im jealous or something, but seriously im so not. Everyone has their own likes and dislikes. It happened that i dont really like to be treated in such a way. I greeted you with a friendly hi and ask about you in your damn face, but you walk off like im the air you can walk right through. Im not the kind of person to be push around any old how you like. sorry? hellos, did you just apologise? I'll take it as you're farting. IM SO SORRY TOO. take it as what you've given me. DAMN.

AND that really spoilt my friday. I went to work with no mood, even sexy mama asked me why am i so listless and all. GUYS! IM SO DARN BORED. I only perk up a little when i set my eyes on a bikini which has a further discount of 35%. hmmm, sweet treat. Ha!

oh yar, paul and kat are just a lovely pair of sisters. yesh, i've noticed that mac manager had a change of uniform to a blue one. SO which is higher? red or blue? Damn kat, she said in a wide eye, innocent baby-face 'why dont you do ask him.' i really feel like slapping her. :)

AMBIGUITY is such a stinking, irritating noun.

2008-01-03T21:13:00.000-08:00

YES im so dread to go to work today. Man, im taking the afternoon shift. thought of it just turn me so off. RRRRAAWWRRRS, whatever. random.

oh wells, im so mad over PCD now. got so caught up with the search for ther next doll show. They are so darn hot. i have not got over fergie yet. heh. I just love the way the dolls dance. god, the killer abs are really killing. Im so mad, i have them up in my desktop. im working for those abs, baby! ;)

Nicole Scherzinger is a HOTSHOT. TOTALLY is. talking about next doll. I had hope Melissa R to be the doll than Asia. She has the looks, the body..yea. Perhaps Asia's a performer and that gave her a notch over others. R is so pretty still, check her out man. :D

My mood sucks today and i dont know why.
and DAMN, it's worktime.

2007-12-31T06:55:00.000-08:00

i spent new year's eve shopping! I guess sales trained my legs so much, i dont feel tired at all. the boys got shag after some walking. LOUSY. :) bought a blouse that flatter my body in the right proportion. HEHE. and a shirt that shows the egoness in me. and a hotpant! yey, finally i get my ass in one. everything cost more than what i withdrew. so much for working. hahas.

thanks guys for accompanying me. do ask me out in future, i'll miss you all. promise? :D

2008 is approaching! new year; fresh new start! im so going to make this year a rocking one for myself. With a new phase, i'm sure everything would be cool and fun.

I have toughen up, i'm so sure. I know how to protect myself-i hope. HEHE.

I hope in the coming new year, jasmine would be happier. A smooth flowing 2008 with nothing but joyful and lucky things happening to her. LOLS. 2008 would be a great year for ME! cheers!!

when you slammed the front door shut

alot of others open up

so did my eyes

i got over you.

i would love to be friends again.

goodbye 2007.

aloha 2008! (:

2007-12-30T06:37:00.000-08:00

I think it's simply a waste of money for rob to emply such a sucker. That cheena bitch got on my nerves when she sucked up to the manager like she needa pacificer or something. She would complained to mag about things she HERSELF do when mad aint around. What an ass. AND SHE TOLD ON ME TODAY, fudge!

i was just having a jolly time of my own talking and laughing with paul and vi. wells, i agreed we were a little loud, but you stupid golden haired bitch need not shout at us to shut up alrights. Like you would save the situation. DUMD CHEENA. she complained to mag and mag chided me in a joking tone. I was very unhappy though. to be told on by some disgusting sucker, IT'S GROSS. i wonder if i can tell on her too. wells, she slacks during working hours; use the couter's phone for her own personal usage-such as dicussing 4D numbers. BEAT THAT, sucker.

See, some people arent worth employing. AND, she tried to test me about capitals of certain countries, and who are singapore's PM and all. LIKE I WOULDNT KNOW. im not as dumb as you.

WHATEVER.

sigh, 2007 is going to end in like one day's time. It had been a good year. The starting was sweet and cool. till the end was rather bumpy. Mixed emotions about it- tears shed as a friend, lover and as a class. Anger, jealousy kept deep within. Joy were shared as well. It had been a year to smile and complain about. =) Nevertheless, next year will difinitely be so much better, im sure. cheers for the new year!

yes paul: that mac manager kept looking in our way. he chuckled when i licked the ice cream like how you ask me to. HAHA. black guy is kinda fierce too. :)

2007-12-28T06:11:00.001-08:00

promises are made to be broken.
promises are made to satisfy women's desire.
promises are made to ease women's tantrums.
so, hell with darn promises.
SHIT THEM.

thanks lil brat. somehow, you woke me up with some words of a fifteen year old. They knocked some sense into me, and all it became was hatred for that FEELING ONLY. I took kinda long to take in the fact of a boy's perpective of the situation. From what you say, i cant believe boys are such creatures. I guess i have to believe that now.

BOYS, we girls arent at your disposal alrights. dont experience us like how you bloody stinky things would do when you are so desperate for sex. WE ARE BREATHING HUMANS. when prick, we do get hurt. Dont pick us up only when you want a thrill. why? having a girlfriend is very cool eh? reflects that you are so wanted? dont throw us off when you get sick of us. Please la, at least animals still have SPCA to nurse their wounds. WE DONT HAVE A HOME FOR BROKEN HEARTS, alrights faggots?

im darn pissed. hahas, a chinese daying goes- when i cant have the grape, i say it's sour. something like that? YADA YADA. that's what im doing, but so be it. im happy drowning in my anger. maybe a few days later, i'll be sad again. HA, whatever.

oh wells. Im glad that dorcas told me mr sly has a new squeeze. so relieve he got his head over me. pearlyn is her name i think, and they are going out for new year day. i bet sly was feeling sour when i turn him down. he's so desperate he found a desperate partner out. wells, dorcas said that the pearl girl is desperate too. perfecccct match. i shall pick on this for the rest of his working days.

Im being labelled as the baby of my department and the craziest one there. Irony. (: see, every atmosphere needs me. HOHO.

oh yes, I remembered a few weeks back, i decided to slack during work. Coincidentally, the lingerie's fitting room had guys clothes that needed to be return to the dept. SO, i'm kind enough to render my help. off i went to 'sight-seeing'. I was so lucky, there were so many handsome promoters there. i spoke to one, cause i bloody need to return the clothes. Somehow, we called each other black girl and boy. I dont know his name, so our uniform gave us the name. Just the other day, we spoke again and yes, i know his name. no more black here and there. I find my little story amusing, but my colleague just push it off as lame. tsk, never mind. She's pre occupied with sight seeing too. for goodness, she's attached man, and she comment more than i do. see? we girls do look at guys too. we even drool over them. THAT MAKE US ON PAR. humph.

yes yes, my lastest squeeze: JAY CHOU. hahas. i never really like him initially. His songs always never fail to make me tear or emo. that's the shitty thing. I forced myself to listern to taboo songs, and 95% of the time im fine. Guess, i've toughen up. His voice is so so nice, so clear and boyish. He's talented too. small eyes. CUTE. see? i like extremes- big eyes or small eyes. YEA. i think jay's romantic too? oh wells, i prefer him in his movie. THAT would be romantic. @.@

i've not given up on show. hahas, never! he cant sing, for haven sake. but he can shake that bootie like no one else! dance is his forte, and i admire him for that. SO humorous too. ahhh, lovely.

hahas. im not coherent in my blog, and that's so punishable. ha, never mind. let me be random again. I LOST 5 KGS, GOD DAMN IT! (: and im so happy. BUT, i ate like a pig for two days already. TIME TO STOP. hehe.

ahh, i wonder what's black boy's shift tomorrow... HOLLERS! :D

2007-12-25T06:44:00.000-08:00

I HATE CHRISTMAS! i was so left out in this year's feast. not even a slice of pizza or a chicken wing. WORK AND WORK.

wells, i had my own feast. bread talk and waffles made my meals. For my lovely friends out there who witnessed my withering- HAHAS. it's not i dont want to eat. i really cant eat. No strength to, no appetite like in the past. A drastic change, yes. I really cant do anything though.

I wonder if it's a good thing to cheer about- i can finally SEE my collar bones! LOLS. they appeared man.

wells, in my condition like this, air con is difinitely a killer. My eyes swelled and teared like i had nothing my chillies for meals. i looked like a glue sniffer.

SALES is giving me headache and making me feel worse off each day.

THIS IS MY WORSE XMAS EVER.

a single clasp of your hands

is my medicine for sure.

but it's intense pain,

when i snapped out of my dream.

2007-12-22T20:08:00.000-08:00

YEYYYYYY! It's sunday. tomorrow is my bloody long-awaited x'mas eve. SO desperate for it to arrive. I missed being a consumer-totally miss it terribly. A day out with lovers, ahhh~

Feeling much better now, though my temperature still goes up and down like the scope in the window media player. HAHAS. The needles cant stop pricking all over me; and someone stole my voice in the morning- i can only manage a low whisper. SCARY.

MAG gave us gifts yesterday, and that certainly made me so happy cause it's chocolates! That brown edible stuff never fails to brighten me up. wonders of shit. HEH. CHOZ la. I LOVE CHOZ. I LOVE CHOZ.

i can cancel xiao zhu cd off my list. i've got most of his songs in my com. SO EFFICIENT. perhaps i can replace it with bikini. HOHO, wait till i find the thinnest straps- if not it defeat teh purpose for suntanning. HA. i so want to buy LA SENZA's 2 for $55 shirts. my gosh, the hot pink and white tee are so sexy la, and my counter is located next to it and i went all green w evny when customers buy them. PLUS, i want a jacket when the pockets are at the front and you can stuff your hands into them? so cool. sheesh, i know im broke! what a merry x'mas.

CAN I DONT WORK TODAY? IM LAZY. BUT I STILL WANT TO GET PAID.

2007-12-21T20:40:00.000-08:00

it's like i finally got myself sick. i was awakened in the middle of the night, plagued with chills that hurt right through my bones. But my breath was hot, and my body was SO HOT. painful and cold. sheesh. I was kept awake from 4 plus, and i slept at like 2? When i finally managed to drift off to sleep, i was awaken AGAIN, feeling feverish. I was like cursing under my breath.. so irritated. What's more, i felt like i was pricked all over my body. totally sucky.

My irritating brother said it's not surprising to get sick on your first job. It's like the whole day's routine is changed, and you find yourself working in the night, and sleeping in the morning. His advice was to rest well and rest more.

=(

when you were in my shoes;

i was there for you..

2007-12-20T21:30:00.000-08:00

I'm suppose to get out of the house in a few minutes time but guess i just so feel like ranting for awhile.

It's a public holiday today, but i'm WORKING still. to get part of the incentive. BORED. see? im bloody frickle-minded, getting tired of working. wells, not exactly though. Just the thought of training home after a LONGGG day puts me off. Yes! i do hate to return home so late in the day. so shag, i thought i was dead and YEt i've got to be alert of any dirty characters. STUPID PEOPLE who makes lives difficult. TSK. rights, i've just reminded myself that i'm working the midnight shift tomorrow! i will be paid OT after 12 though. Guess i'll be able to touch my bed only liek around 3? sheesh.

oh wells, make do with it fatty.

Does jasmine sounds like a philippines name? rosalyn sayang: im not rose cause im jasmine, ok? (:

2007-12-18T09:05:00.000-08:00

i wonder if it's called love-
if i kept thinking of you.
i wonder if it's called love-
if i remember e emotions you felt.
i wonder if it's called love-
if i remember cheeky jokes you cracked.
i wonder if it's called love-
if i stash away the times.
i wonder if it's called love-
if i see you leaving.
i wonder if it's called love-
if i remember your last words.
i wonder if it's called love-
if i know you wont eb doing the same.
i wonder if it's called love-
if i kept wondering if you would wonder the way i wonder.
i wonder if it's called love-
when i'm only 16.

shouldnt love be
sweet, lasting, surprising, all about chances, forgiving, acceptance, tolerance, compromising?
In the end, love is just a stupid one way track.
cupid angels are sure frickle minders.

feeling poetic and random. RAWWWWWWW.

wells, a new girl joined my dept today. She's really cool, smart and pretty. An NJCian, ex SCGS, 6 pointers PLUS she's a dancer! HIP HOP. how great! reeeaaalllyyy english as well. I was influenced and for a moment both of us have the english accent even when we spoke madarian. I screwed up one transaction today, boo. I'll do better tomorrow. hahas, maybe im still whining about the fact that my level has no handsomes. TSK.

i'm feeling REALLY hungry now. I'd thought i would be having supper, but nope i didnt- in the end. oh great anyway, let the hunger feeds on my fats then. HOHO. oh yea, talking about weight control- man am i proud to have lost 2kg! COOL RIGHTS? absolutely man. (:

2007-12-17T05:29:00.000-08:00

Finally, i do feel a little recharged after sleeping like a pig for hours today. I woke up like an hour before afternoon? i was childish enough to have eaten my breakfast with kids central. Yesh, i so remember the tagline- ' kid central, your one place for fun.' I kinda like Ben 10 and Ghost Boy, heros who saves the day ultimately. hahas, childish but i like it. I HAD NOTHING TO DO.

Coudnt find pals to spend the day with- all were busy, so i decided to pay a visit to juniors. Wells, i'll miss the campfire tomorrow so at least i see the little ones today. And man! i found out they are having bbq this friday and i had to give it a miss again. This would make it two times in a row! cheez balls! irritating. oh wells, i'll do my part by praying for a fine, sunny weather.

alrights, about yesterday's adventure. hahas, how grand i put it to be. The shopping mall wasnt packed with crowds yesterday and so it was utterly boring and i had nothing to do but to pay attention to the aching pain in my soles. All thanks to the lousy flops i bought. The base of the shoes was so flat, i thought i had become flat-footed. oh wells, shadnt be a nag about this. MONEY IS SO DARN HARD EARNED. i totally agree. My first visitors are my family and lovely cuz. I was yakking away with my colleague, i did not see them approaching. It was only when i noticed a pair of hands waving like mad in the air, then i realised cuz were there. hahas, i had thought a customer was in danger or something. They left after a VERY short while. Guess they went to the other levels to see stuffs and handsome guys. ^^ Old auntie vivian was called down to the next floor, leaving me all alone at the counter. Imagine ah.. i was so bored, i took fo my shoes; stood at the back of the counter AND i started twirling my hair and staring into space. No kiddings, there was not more than 5 people at my level as early as 8pm. This lasted till 11pm, when i was dismissed. Sian man! Ironically, people flood the streets of town. Funny right? are the streets more fun than malls? I wonder how special the trees there can be. HAHA.

Wells, that was not the point. Anayway, dined with sylvester and dorcas- a new girlfriend i've made. She's really pretty, and SMART. very english- that's what i like. HOHO. Throughout the whole meal, sly was claiming how handsome he is and dorcas just retorted back time and again. We three detest smoker to the core, but i added that i dont hate, but not really like drinkers. Yes, you can drink la.. but not those frequent or drunkard kind. A little is fine. The whole meal went on about gossiping and sharing stuffs. Frankly, i've learnt to keep to myself some stuffs, so i managed to shake off questions i dont wish to answer. YEY, but that irritating guy likes to probe which is SUPER irritating and i do feel uncomfortable. TSK.

Trained home alone. I realised i looked like a lunatic who giggles and smile from reading messages, SILENTLY. The commuters do give me funny looks. HAHAS, wells..i cant change that habit. Junior text me and man he pitied me for standing so long. THANKS ALOT, little brat. save that pity. (: You can just help by getting me the osim leg massager or something ah? Actions speak louder than words. I so believe in that.

Alrights, work aside- x' mas is just around the corner! Luckily im off on the eve, at least i can go party. I want to watch ALVIN & THE CHIPMUNKS! i cant stand but go crazy over the 3 little things.

AND,

i take back all my words i said before. i'm not foolish anymore! i want SO MUCH for x'mas! Apart from the side panel's, i've updated a list of items i want. WELLS, not necessary for xmas.. anyone wants to buy for me? SURE! (:

CLOTHES and more clothes, bags, xiao zhu's album, new pajamas set so SO MUCH MORE. im very greedy. hmmmm, let me keep myself updated as soon as i lay my eyes on anything. YEA.

YAR, by the way- fourth floor of rob has MANY HANDSOME GUYS. the promoters most were yea.. one had a sexy deep voice. ALL were introudced by old auntie. tsk tsk, i wonder if she spent her time really workign or what. she can rattle on about which guy in charge of which section. HOW KNOWLEDGABLE and OBSERVANT huh.

wells, that wasnt the point. teh point is MY XMAS LIST.

HAHAS.

2007-12-16T09:28:00.000-08:00

i shall just blog the happenings tomorrow. fudging sleepy. IT'S MY OFFDAY TOMORROW! (: cheers man.

2007-12-15T09:33:00.000-08:00

HEEYYYYS~

job was way too cool. i love every minute of it man! People there were fantastic. Mas is the joker and she never fails to liven everyone up. Cute mama. Mag is funny too, and she remembers me for having many ko yok on my toes. I had always thought that job means a clear defination among the ranks, but at here the lines are so blurred- everyone is like a big family. Staffs call me 'mei mei' or, 'sayang' or even 'darling'. imagine that! (:

Though it's really tiring, it's worth it and im enjoying working! hahas. yesterday's cashier duties were terrible for me. I felt the pressure to meet every person's demands; really tough. I nearly cried man, i made 3 mistakes in the transactions but the customers were nice to me. Ironically, those with stern looks passed the transactions smoothly.

wells, today was so so much better. I got the hang of it already. But i see cash till i got so blur, that i had to still look for more than 5 times at the notes and coins given to me. Some customers still laugh at me! oh wells, that would be better than counting wrong change.

and I do think i'll need a new neck soon. My body is aching like mad and sleeping is a really problem- every position just isnt right, you see..

BUT IT'S ALRIGHT,

cause i do love the way mas greet me today. From a distance, she shouts ' hey jasmine!' and all customers turn and look.. LOL.

i'l catch some sleep now, my limbs are detaching real soon. Now, i know how REAL shag feels.

2007-12-13T09:20:00.000-08:00

MY TOEESSSS~ poor me. BIG BLISTERS underneath my big toe.

BUT,

the experience at rob today was fun and knowledgable. i am attach to LINGERIE dept. how sad, no handsome guys to drool upon. At least i am attach to women's best asset, god's gift you know? hahas.

We were taught the RIGHT WAY to wear a bra, how to measure and the different products. Man, was i shy to hear those. somehow. fitting rooms were equally fun, but more boring. I prefer chasier though, i love money~ the sight of cards and cash turn me so on. woohoo. Our supervisors or seniors were really friendly and wouldnt mind the hassle to correct our mistakes again and again.

Wells, so many to talk about.. but my eyelids are really heavy. The soles of my feet hurts like hell. i'm going to bed nooowwwwww~

- the sad thing is, i cant have friends visiting me now.. WHO WANTS TO BUY BRAS, GUYS? =)

2007-12-12T06:54:00.000-08:00

Last day of jobbie one, but was sure a fruitful one. I definitely did learn something from it. The seminar today was the highlight of the whole purpose of the job, was disappointing in the sense of money wise as it was based on commission this round. Nevertheless, i brought home with me some stuffs that money cant buy.

'One's failure or mishap is not a reflection of yours', 'Hard work, perseverence, self-discipline, determination are the key to success.' I've heard these qutoes many a times, but didnt see its importance till today. Yesh, im an ignorant brag..so everything was like fresh and unheard of to me. Somehow, I couldnt see the link from what we learnt in school to our careers in future. I was so wrong- the knowledge we learnt may be redundent, but the many skills and values that we attained in education are our guides in jobs. Coupled with one's attitude, these determined one's success. And i was appalled by the figures on the slides regarding salaries. WOW, 6 figures man! and this is not hard to archieve before 30, as claimed by them. I was really really attracted to keep on listerning, though it seems like none of my business tonight. Success stories shared by the personnels there were really captivating.. it spurs me to uncover my dream to earn big bucks too. hahas.

wells, though girls we should be independent.. and if we hold such dreams, i think guys should be more ambitious than us then. Come on, in a typical family.. the guys bring home the bread right? So guys, are your dreams really big?

Hmm, one boss told me it's all about techniques to get people down. The way you phrase the sentence is really important. Handling rejects are just part and parcels of this job too. Initially, i was kinda taken aback by callers' rude answers and nonchalent attitude but got use to it soon.

And i realised that excuses are excuses, but at times good or bad excuses really do matter.. It can gets one's hope real high, and when found to be not what it was, down goes the morale. I guess this job is really challenging with appealing pay. (:

After the whole seminar, i fooled in the office..to take memories of my last day at the office. Here they are:

I woulnt give the koropok a miss on my last day. YES, i was munching away.

My beautiful brother. GAYISH red tie indeed.

i dont have her boobs la.

the archeivements of a part time telemartketeer.

i'll miss the mirrors in the lifts. they reflect my vain-ness.

I just fell in love with this snowman. he's SOFT and LIGHT.

merry x'mas! 13 more days!

i wrote this entry past 12, so it was actually yesterday's entry. im just slow. hahas. CHEERS to job 2 tomorrow! (:

GOOD MORNING!

2007-12-11T03:59:00.000-08:00

One more day to go!

Today's was the usuals again, except that i laughed more than usual at work. ALL MY BROTHER'S FAULT. Cut all short, here it is.

It was really really lame, but it got me all cracked up. LOL. Well, we worked VERY hard, till we were tired so i started the whole crap. O.O knowing i wotn be able to contain my piggy laughters, i wrote it down:

J: diahoerra is solid or liquid?
(well, i kinda wanted to act knowledgable, the thirst for information yea?)
R: he ignored me.
J: OI?!
R: Gaseous like your god damn fart, you fcuker!
J: My fart? they come in all shapes, sizes and states man!
R: Ya, like your nose boogey, stop writing me all these shit!
J: These arent shit, these are useful knowledge. (:
( just then, a man behidn us was coughing like mad)
R: You're shit, your brain is shit. Your sai is shit. Stop writing me shit. The man is coughing, casue his throat's got your shit!
J: I cursed your phone got shit. People talk, your ears splattered with shit. You talk, shit explode out of it.
( by then, i just cant contain my laughter.. part of them were heard, and they sounded like a slaughtered pig. HEY! my stomack hurts from all the suppressing man.)
R: Stop laughing like a shit ass. Later ALI BABA ( to protect the identity of a female. hahas) shit in your mouth, she has a puddle os shit looking hair on her head.
J: I thought she's bald on top?
(my brother cracked here. YEY.)
R: Like the coughing man?
J: Maybe. You cant see? so tall for what? eyes grow on your backside ah?!
R: better than you, fat until no eyes. All fats cover your eyes. Look that fat ass sitting on the black car, go fart man!
( and i began looking around and asking who who?)
R: he cracked and said ' arent you sitting on one?'

HAHAS, my stomach nearly burst, good if they do.. then can lose some tons of fats. hahah. tomorrow is going to be the last day of work, began jobbie 2 starts. Got to dress up for the seminar as instructed by boss. I think he is afraid we would be untidy dress.. or a little over dress? heh.

AND AND AND, rob's cash till training is tomorrow. I failed in changing my timing to morning; i wanted to be the same as sylvester and the rest.. it was fun and jokes all around. =( wells, i made some new friends. I was worried i was not able to know new people and i would be so lonely, but guess my worries were all unnecessary. Sylvester talked to me first durign orientation in our group and i tried to tickle his ti-coness. i succeeded man!

Liek for example, he asked loius, 'hey, how did u get the bruise on your elbow?' Loius was like shocked that he spoke to her, and she said she bumped into something. I immediately add on, ' Why? are you heart broken?' and he went in stammers, 'NO! no..i was just.. whatever.' HAHAS. Loius and qi ying thought that Sylvester is my friend and was surprised that we arent and yet we spoke like we knew each other.

Rob's job is stressful and im kinda nervous about it. I hope things goes well for me. Numer one fear: damn, got to return home so so so late in the night. mid-night and all :S I cant get use to the thought of being so late out.

talking about work, x'mas is going to be real torture! WORKING on that day. i was like happily counting down still.

merry x'mas to me
merry x'mas to me
i'll spend it working at rob~
how bored can it gets?

ANY SIMILAR SOULS OUT THERE? wanna share our plight together on that day? :/

2007-12-09T04:30:00.000-08:00

When flashbacks came and went, i realised how much, or how insignificant my 16 years of life have been. I do not have fond memories of childhood. Dull and boring. I envy every toddlers who goes for swimming classes, piano lessons, dance classes every weekend. I would chide any of them silenty if they complained. Im not blaming my parents, never. Seriously, i have been a block of wood for so long. With no goals and mottos, no skills.

Primary school education was worse. Frankly, i told no one a single thing.. I still remember sour relationships and hurting words hurled every now and then. I was the victim of the class. hahas, not a year.. but more than that- as we moved from one level to the next as a class. I do not overlook the possibility that it could be the way i present myself to people then. I was young and ignorant. I was too self-centred. Nevertheless, for a lifetime.. i think i will never forget the day when, whom i thought was my greatest pal walked out on me and even she, became the rest.

I decided to leave human relationships behind for a while.. and i found joy in books and books. 2 pretty years of academic glory. I was still ignorant then. I was sucky as a person still. For a moment, i felt happy. To be free from feeling hurt and upset. I had no true friends still. Slowly, i made my first friend. He told me many things that made me realised i was hated to the core, actually. I decided to open up once more, so determined to change. Ironically, everything began to spiral downhill.

Friends has always been a worrying thing for me. Seems, love is much worse. LOLS, sigh.. somehow magically, i am able to chuckle at the thoughts of my life.. how silly and dumb i have been. I always admire girls who have their own clique, well.. it's actually those you read from storybooks. Sleepovers and gossips till late in the night. They were like friends for life. Confidante to one another. They do everything together. So much so that even if they were to get ditch, they would get over it in no time- they had lovely girls around them to bring them up..
Well, i thought i made one really nice pal. I thought there were no secrets between us. I thought i no longer need to envy others. I have my own 'trusty' girl. HAHAS, all was a joke. A DAMN FUCKING big one, indeed. I was played down.. so down i looked at my toes all day long. I fought for my rights initially, of course. That's human instinct. LOLS, i was wearing off as time passes. She just had some kinda magic with people who slowly became HER. one of a kind. well, i dont possess such lovely magic, that's it. I gave up. I gave up completely.

I thought human were all sick. so ugly that i just cant think of how worse can people be. Somehow, i choose to believe again.. #1 was full of misunderstandings. Mayeb we were young still. We always THOUGHT we knew how to handle things, we were actually stupid in it. Maybe it was due to my wonderful past, i see motives more clear than anyone. HAHAS, i told #1 then. I was just plastered with 'full of suspicious'. i had forgotten if i had wanted to cry or laugh then. #1 ended soon with a promsie made. It was clear, the promsie was broken soon after.

A month of rehabilation, i was fine again. I was really fine. Maybe i was a cat in my past life, I wouldnt let it rest. Yes, i know i have been let-down, but i refuse to lost my beliefs and faith. I entered once again.. #2. Full of promises, full of dreams. I held myself back initially, for fear similiar things would happen. But i gave my all as it goes.. it was really my all. all. Pretty moments, lovely words. It was just so not meant to be. Everythign was a blur till now. Man, this time really took my breath away. I hardly am able to stand up. Thousands of promises, all gone in a *poof*.

I was optimistic about everything still. I am down and out, im terribly weak inside.. i am determine to stand again. Frankly, i've lost my faith and confidence to do so.. the fear is just so unimaginable. sigh, but i think i am able to..

So many things running through my head now.. I feel like i've been left behind by everything and everyone. I want to grow up, i seriously want to. If i had been strong and tough, i wouldnt need to rely on anyone- to get my heart broken by so many people. If i know my forte, at least it's something im proud of, for myself. Now, i cant see my worth. What am i good at? Why am i so easily bullied? Am i the tool for push-arounds? why am i so easily taken advantage of? If i'm sensible when i was younger, maybe i wouldnt have fooled around so much, I would have ask for more classes to hone my skills. To make me a much more useful person.

I dont want to rely on anyone anymore. i want to be strong, be strong. i want to be independent. I want to be someone im proud of..

2007-12-07T04:28:00.000-08:00

是我想太多, 我也这样说
这是唯一能安慰我的理由.

我想我没有错怪了什么
虽然你不说, 都是错在我
太晚我才懂爱了你太多..

it's nice knowing 're fine and happy. but, deep inside..there's a question i wonder so much if it should be voiced. I think im just so blind not to get the answer which if so so in front of me. im a frigging sturbon freak, i refused to? or i just cant embrace the answer. i just cant..

I'm dying. Dying to grow up and understand all this complex issues..

2007-12-06T05:25:00.000-08:00

I never felt nothing like in the world like this before. Now i'm wishing that you would come back through my door. Why did you have to go? You could have let me know, so now i'm all alone. Boy, you could have stayed but you wouldnt give yourself a chance. With you not around, it's a bit more than i can stand. And all my tears they keep running down inside. Why did you turn away?

So why does your pride make you run and hide? Are you so afraid of me? But i know it's a lie what you kept inside. Is this how you wanted to be?

I'll wait for you, cause i dont know what else can i do. Would i ever get an answer, or a sound from you?

It's been a long tiem sicne you called me. How could you forget about me? You got me in twirls and spins. How can you just walk away, when everything stays the same? I just cant do it. What will it takes to make you come back? boy, i told you what it is and it aint like that. Why cant you just look at me, is your feelings all over? Dont leave me crying.

Why cant we start all over again? Get it back to the way it was, and even better? If you could give both a chance, just once.. it would be enough.

**

yes, you could have stay.. a chance is all it takes. you hear this? i remember, this is a song you praised..

i'm not that hard to get; not as complex as describe too. Simple- that's what i want. Yes, i do dream of more, but it's all unneccessary. I have never ask for more.

Santa, this is my only wish for christmas- would you allow me to scrape this off my wishlist then?

2007-12-05T03:32:00.000-08:00

stupiddddd, it rained all day looonnnggggg.

Just like the weather, my hope that robinson's briefing would be filled with prettys and handsome hot guys were dashed. SIGH! NONE at all. what a letdown. anyway, if anyone still remember the movie where Jaslyn Tay acted as the career-minded policewoman, the girl who was ganged-raped. Yea, i think if my eyes are bright and clear, she is working too. HAHAS, it's so wrong to remember someone this way. Everyone came together, either cliques or, alrights, there's only one couple. Lucky them. Imagine, if they are attached together at women lingerie department.. HOHO, meery x'mas man!

Wells, it's the usual again today, slacked throughout jobbie. All i did was to compile names, write postcards and run up and down 12th floors (via lift, my dears.. i aint that fantastic :) to post them. It's calls again tomorrow!

just a random recommendation: 10pm, channel U's drama is cute. Nice plot, pretty mains. No handsome guys though, sad. BUT BUT, when the guys care for the main, oh man.. IM JEALOUS. a must watch! (:

ANYONE want to cheorograph a dance? I WANT TO DANCE! please answer my pleas. (:

OK, here's the deal: IM GOING TO EXERCISE ALL DAY LONG. :S im so turned off by the fact that i HAD TO wake up even earlier now to jog- yes, i have to report to work earlier -.- nevermind, jessica alba WAIT FOR MEEEEEE!

i cant believe i made a most ridiculous statement ever.

It's a promise i've made to...
wells, most importantly now,
IT"S ME.

2007-12-03T05:16:00.001-08:00

wells, nothing much than the usuals. couldnt drag myself out of bed this morning for a jog, was really really tired. My eyes are swelling with terrible black rings. i look terrible. -.-

The day practically passed like a blur for me, was so darn sleepy half of the day. How much i feel like sprawling on the office table and snore big time. The irritating thing was, i was plagued with serious headaches that left me spinning half of the day, and i could have puke if anyone had just made a tiny turn of the chair. YES, the result of only one small serving of cereal for breakfast. i'll try ot have 2 small ones tomorrow then. HEH. =) heys, i can't break the diet plan again alrights. I've already lost count of how many broken plans. hoho.

and, oh yes oh yes, i've a DYINGGGGGG and burnnninggg request: any kind souls out there know the dance steps for JJ's 杀手 and K-O these songs? Man, the lockings and poppings were AWESOME! i can feel the burning adrenalin rush!

SOMEONE TEACH ME PLEASEEEEE? PRETTY PLEASEEEE? i'll be waiting for any response! help me, help me! i'll grant you any wishes, and that includes not disturbing the person anymore, i promise. I'm darn serious kays? alrights, just cut the crap of the belows, the rest are my pleas! HEH. THANKS first. :))

i only made a total of 135 calls today. boo, way so so low than 180. bloody headaches. i cant wait to get my pay man. money money money~ with that, i can then clear my debts with my parents, splurge and SAVE! yeys.

- moisturiser
- creamo. >.< man, this is the most impt stuff.
- tank top (x'mas)
- 2 pairs of H.Ps
- havanna
- clothes!

2007-12-01T06:52:00.000-08:00

AM I THAT FAT?

Now, i've become the target of my aunt as well. tsk tsk, it's SHU SHU PER irritating to be teased at constantly at home. SIGH, alrights! i'll lose weight OKAYS? -.- It's so much harder than i thought man.. it's killing to drag myself out of bed early in the morning for jogs. i think i slept while running too, HEH.

AND AND AND,

i had to refrain from CHOCZ?! life is hard without it. hahas, i love them man. hmmm, but come to think about it again, if i cpuld archeive the typical example my sickening brother describe everytime while drooling, omg..that would be so so GREAT.

BUT, it's like this..

to this..

MAN! MARICLE is needed! if THIS ridiculous thing can happen, it would be, would be.. ah.. undescrible, intense pride adn joy. LOLS.

2007-11-30T05:03:00.000-08:00

THIS IS NOT GOOD, GIRL.

reading beiling's entries, is a BAD choice. Girl, i happened to read your blog through someone's, someone's and someone's i guess. Apart from lyrics being yours, right now im talking about MY feelings, so dont be mistaken alrights?

PATHETIC. when the words reflect my damn feelings, TSK TSK. Alrights, the dying question.. WHY ON EARTH IS EMOTIONAL ONE OF MY TRAITS?! this is bad, this is bad. well, i've got a moment of thought, just a moment: out of the many roles available, i've tried the being the victim and weakling. hmm, i was just thinking.. can i try being the villian?

be it lover or friends, just how it feels when you walked out all of a sudden, leaving a pool of shit for me to clear? to sit in a midst of my own confusion, sorting them out blindly? In this situation, what are you doing? how are you feeling? ever thought of breaking the silence first? Well, this feels so much like a game.. when the tables cant be turn by me.

Or, how does it feels when you did something real bad to a fellow friend? You played her round your little finger and flicked her off, like a boogey out of your nose. Pretending not to know you are wrong, and continue faking an angelic look, seems fun right? Your flirtatious trait is so alluring to boys around you, you even have the magic with girls. Everyone thinks you're right, you're perfect.. when no one sees you are not what you are. And poor victim of yours.. being too tired to clear all the misunderstandings, just kept quiet.

Hmm, it seems so fun to get a taste of the other roles..

BUT THEN, these roles are either too bitchy, slutty, or just yet-to-mature. i've just snapped out of my foolishness. i need not taste these roles, knowing they stink to the core.. I'm contented to know, i've done my part. I've given my best in every roles i take. I never want to shed these roles.. circumstances forced me to. What can i do then, right?

Maybe out there, somewhere.. some good souls would be able to find what i've chose to hide now.

Till then, a confidante is a luxury for me;
and love, shall be stashed away.

2007-11-29T04:39:00.000-08:00

RRAWWWRR!

3rd day of jasmine's fantasy at work! AHHH, i beat my record calls yesterday. i'd made a total of 162 calls today, compared to 134 calls yesterday. 15 calls left their addresses to attend the seminar. they better turn up on that day, so i can get my incentives. Come on, people loves MONEY. so do i.

BUT BUT BUT, two freakos left a deep impression in me man.

The first sounded so friendly initially; seh booasted my confidence to promote..

T (telemarketeer): Hi, good afternoon. May i speak to #$^@%$%.
C ( contact): Yes, i am. You are?
T: oh ho, im Jasmine frm *** finance company.

and the moment, she went..

T: PLS, I DONT WANT ANY MONEY! STOP GIVING ME MONEY! I DONT WANT ANY BILLS TOO. STOP CALLING ME!

and i went..

C : O.O

i was like what the hell? She can smile on the fact that i allow her to rambled and yelled on and on man. I just cursed her under my breath after that. Well, she wasnt the badd-iest yet.

This second ANIMAL was the worse of the day! Man, he doesnt deserve to be a human being. How can he treat his own fellow being this way. TSK TSK. sigh, i think he should think again before walking on twos. He should just crawl on fours. THAT SUITS HIM PERRRFECT. argh!

The only contact and image i can paint of the person, in this job is through the voice. The name list given to me , doesnt have MS or MR, SO this particaular call, i cant distinguish ITS gender. One thing about me, eh..i acnt distinguish an animal's gender. I DONT KNOW HOW, alrights? MAybe, those HUGE dogs, i can la. i have EYES. LOLS.

To clear some stuffs, i DO NOT hold anything against GAYS. Im so fine with them, but since i can only make up a person through the voice, and IT pissed me off today, I shall picked on this for the rest of my entry! HUMPH, GAYISH IT.

The sickening thing about the conversation was that he kept on speaking in a stuck up tone. Coupled with the gayish- undistinguishable- gender tone, it made my blood pressure rise. Try micmicking it?

T: Hi, may i speak to #$%^$^ ?
C: Yes, who are you?
T: oh, im Jasmine from *** finance company.

and IT let me talk for so much..

T: We would like to invite you to our presentation on the 12th dec on the prospe-
C: as?
T: oh, it's regarding financial and investaments areas..
C: yes, i know.. but i want to know as what post?
T: oh, im sry, im not sure about tha-
C: u are telling me u are not sure? you asre working in the company, and u are not sure?
T: Im sorry, i only worked here as a part timer.
C: then im not interested.

HE SLAMMED THE PHONE. How much i wish i can skin IT alive. Typing out these now, makes me even more irritated. He cut me through my sentences so so so many times. Dont you have any manners? oh i forgot, animals are like that. Well, it probably belongs to the minority breed. THAT'S WHY.

enough of disgusting fellows. Well well, i'm still so proud that i spoke to a MUSICIAN. can you believe it? MUSICIAN? ahh, his voice is so MUSICIAN. alrights, what was that suspose to mean? lols. His vocie was husky. It captured my ear juices immediately. Sadly, he did not agree to the seminar, so he did not contribute to my incentives. He's forgiven. HOHO.

Seriously, i've learnt how to deal with rejections, and that there are ncie people around too. Each phone call means a new opportunity for me to persuade them. Whatever happens during the previous call, is past. I'm moulding the present and my results depend largely on this process..

I'll create new records tommorrow!
I LOVE PEOPLE! being random. (:

2007-11-27T06:00:00.000-08:00

:) :/

First day of work! NOT FUN. BORING. 6000 name lists to call, you must be kidding! Well, that's what i have to call for 2 more weeks and off i am! hahas. At least, money is entering my pocket now. Better than rotting at home. Strictly speaking, today was like a warm-up to get me familiarise with the role. I'm getting the hang of it. YEP.

Somehow, i wish i am able to understand myself: make clear of my emotions and work towards the first thought. I do not wish to dwell, i just want to move on, like how everybody is able to. I wonder if i'm dumb not being able to, or are my fellow human beings purely heartless, cold-blooded..

I hate, i really do.
IT HURTS LIKE SHIT.

half a year passed,
silence drew an obscure shade of us.
weapons in the form of memories,
they dont stab; they torture.

hangouts became haunted,
like movies i feared the most.
Nothing was left in my possessions;
but i left my everything, else where.

it's unimaginable
how deep the impact is;
how it robs my faith and confidence..

I can't believe i'm losing it now. It was kept for so long, i thought i'm just fine with it. Well, I know what's the point now? People are happy the way they are. I bet they cant even remember my name, let alone remembering that i existed in their lives. Seriously, i was so taken aback by my reactions. I cant believe it actually hurts so bad for a tough cookie i claimed to be. I know it's foolish, knowing all my pain would not be reciprocated with a single comforting word. What's the point? But i guess, when extremes come.. this is how bad i lose.

2007-11-26T06:53:00.000-08:00

YESHHH!

man, i never felt so relaxed before. Probably a good sign? =) I've done cleaning up my room which i had dragged for weeks! My mommy is SO SO relieved. I'm a good girl afterall.

The morning started out bad for me. Frustrated like a useless bum. However, things started looking great as time passes! Maybe the above heard my pleas. I'm so excited to work, looking forward to it. You see, i have never work before. I'm a greenhorn, so i perceive work as fun plus lots of money. Naive? Let me be the judge kays? Well, i do wish i am able to cheer here again after working. HEH.

Life is so much MORE than a complex and horribly contridicting, heart-breaking THING. Guess, i shall leave it open-ended.

2007-11-24T05:17:00.000-08:00

YA DA YA DA.

A boring Saturday! #%@#$%. I never feel so irritated having nothing to do man. In the past, at least you know you are slacking, and soon you will have to get back to mugging. NOW, i don't even know what to do next. Sigh, sian man!

i need a job. i NEED a job. I WANT A JOB!!! ahh, so desperate.

The problem is when nothing is perrrrrfect, it's the most irritating thing. It's either the pay is good, but it only last for few weeks or it would be not-so-high pay but am able to work throughout the holidays OR no interviews work out well for me. HOW? enlighten me, please someone? :/

Please man, i beg you classified? Be filled with LOTS of jobs tomorrow, which will employ people ok? Sometimes the numbers there are not in used too.. argh.

2007-11-22T03:37:00.000-08:00

PROMMMYYYY NIGHTS!

wells, was really really tired yesterday so didnt blog about the party. oh wells, yesterday was indeed exciting, fun and GIRLY for me. I am not the kind who dolls up, like a doll for any parties, so it was kinda weird to put on make up and all. I did all these at The Body Shop in northpoint, and man do i love DEENA! She's a cute assistant, an english-speaking one too. That's a plus point. She cracked some jokes suring the makeover which left me kinda awkward. Throughout the process, i didnt dare take a glance at the mirror adn was shocked when i did. I was like 'eh, so white.' but the assistants there were like 'oh, you look beautiful!' What a way to promote their shop. I do like the eyes anyway. HAHAS, i think it was kinda cool, with all the shimmerings and sparkles.

The party was really fun and a little TOO COSY. Small ballroom with a small number of us. Nevertheless, I enjoyed myself! CHEERS.

ahh, fatty and pretty

HAPPY FAMILY!

ohs, i forgot your hubbie, baby!

oh well.

my flower girl

our table

that cute arc

lawson was REALLY decently dressed, i tell you.

if i'm a guy, i'd fall for you.

yet another AFFAIR.

oh, nice nice

I can't possibly post all photos. I'm pretty lazy, yea. All the guys were dashing and girls were simply sweet. A lovely night in all. (:

2007-11-19T07:13:00.000-08:00

AHHHH.

Finally i'm home and am SITTING. A whole day of walking made my legs feel they would crack anytime under my heavy bum.

The day started off with a job interview i went at raffles. There were freaking lots of people even half an hour before the time stated. I had to make a mad rush to get a copy of the application form, which were given out extremely fast. As usual, typical singaporeans rushed to be the first in line, it ended up with so many queues. The venue was similar to a back alley, so squeezy and the crowd was simply too overwhelming for me, i wanted to just give up this interview.

BUT BUT BUT, there's always people there for me. (: Jon, nigel and Kai qi were simply the bestest pals man. They looked after me like i'm a little sister. Well, it might be simple acts, but they really helped me alot. Thanks babies! <3

LET ME GET THE JOB. then next in queue would be MONEYYYY~

After the interview was done, it was SHOPPING SPREE! We fooled around with the apparel and all. Darn, i didn't bring my camera along to take those funny moments. It was just so silly.

The day end with us al being so tired, but nigel was crapping and yakking away. hahas.. feb babies are SO much mature.