J A S M I N E
awesome 18
surprises-
beautiful suspense,
my greatest love!
Cry - Rihanna
addy
Becks
emilyn
jon!
tinghui
tracy
renzhi
yingying
105'08
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When flashbacks came and went, i realised how much, or how insignificant my 16 years of life have been. I do not have fond memories of childhood. Dull and boring. I envy every toddlers who goes for swimming classes, piano lessons, dance classes every weekend. I would chide any of them silenty if they complained. Im not blaming my parents, never. Seriously, i have been a block of wood for so long. With no goals and mottos, no skills.
Primary school education was worse. Frankly, i told no one a single thing.. I still remember sour relationships and hurting words hurled every now and then. I was the victim of the class. hahas, not a year.. but more than that- as we moved from one level to the next as a class. I do not overlook the possibility that it could be the way i present myself to people then. I was young and ignorant. I was too self-centred. Nevertheless, for a lifetime.. i think i will never forget the day when, whom i thought was my greatest pal walked out on me and even she, became the rest.
I decided to leave human relationships behind for a while.. and i found joy in books and books. 2 pretty years of academic glory. I was still ignorant then. I was sucky as a person still. For a moment, i felt happy. To be free from feeling hurt and upset. I had no true friends still. Slowly, i made my first friend. He told me many things that made me realised i was hated to the core, actually. I decided to open up once more, so determined to change. Ironically, everything began to spiral downhill.
Friends has always been a worrying thing for me. Seems, love is much worse. LOLS, sigh.. somehow magically, i am able to chuckle at the thoughts of my life.. how silly and dumb i have been. I always admire girls who have their own clique, well.. it's actually those you read from storybooks. Sleepovers and gossips till late in the night. They were like friends for life. Confidante to one another. They do everything together. So much so that even if they were to get ditch, they would get over it in no time- they had lovely girls around them to bring them up..
Well, i thought i made one really nice pal. I thought there were no secrets between us. I thought i no longer need to envy others. I have my own 'trusty' girl. HAHAS, all was a joke. A DAMN FUCKING big one, indeed. I was played down.. so down i looked at my toes all day long. I fought for my rights initially, of course. That's human instinct. LOLS, i was wearing off as time passes. She just had some kinda magic with people who slowly became HER. one of a kind. well, i dont possess such lovely magic, that's it. I gave up. I gave up completely.
I thought human were all sick. so ugly that i just cant think of how worse can people be. Somehow, i choose to believe again.. #1 was full of misunderstandings. Mayeb we were young still. We always THOUGHT we knew how to handle things, we were actually stupid in it. Maybe it was due to my wonderful past, i see motives more clear than anyone. HAHAS, i told #1 then. I was just plastered with 'full of suspicious'. i had forgotten if i had wanted to cry or laugh then. #1 ended soon with a promsie made. It was clear, the promsie was broken soon after.
A month of rehabilation, i was fine again. I was really fine. Maybe i was a cat in my past life, I wouldnt let it rest. Yes, i know i have been let-down, but i refuse to lost my beliefs and faith. I entered once again.. #2. Full of promises, full of dreams. I held myself back initially, for fear similiar things would happen. But i gave my all as it goes.. it was really my all. all. Pretty moments, lovely words. It was just so not meant to be. Everythign was a blur till now. Man, this time really took my breath away. I hardly am able to stand up. Thousands of promises, all gone in a *poof*.
I was optimistic about everything still. I am down and out, im terribly weak inside.. i am determine to stand again. Frankly, i've lost my faith and confidence to do so.. the fear is just so unimaginable. sigh, but i think i am able to..
So many things running through my head now.. I feel like i've been left behind by everything and everyone. I want to grow up, i seriously want to. If i had been strong and tough, i wouldnt need to rely on anyone- to get my heart broken by so many people. If i know my forte, at least it's something im proud of, for myself. Now, i cant see my worth. What am i good at? Why am i so easily bullied? Am i the tool for push-arounds? why am i so easily taken advantage of? If i'm sensible when i was younger, maybe i wouldnt have fooled around so much, I would have ask for more classes to hone my skills. To make me a much more useful person.
I dont want to rely on anyone anymore. i want to be strong, be strong. i want to be independent. I want to be someone im proud of..
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When flashbacks came and went, i realised how much, or how insignificant my 16 years of life have been. I do not have fond memories of childhood. Dull and boring. I envy every toddlers who goes for swimming classes, piano lessons, dance classes every weekend. I would chide any of them silenty if they complained. Im not blaming my parents, never. Seriously, i have been a block of wood for so long. With no goals and mottos, no skills.
Primary school education was worse. Frankly, i told no one a single thing.. I still remember sour relationships and hurting words hurled every now and then. I was the victim of the class. hahas, not a year.. but more than that- as we moved from one level to the next as a class. I do not overlook the possibility that it could be the way i present myself to people then. I was young and ignorant. I was too self-centred. Nevertheless, for a lifetime.. i think i will never forget the day when, whom i thought was my greatest pal walked out on me and even she, became the rest.
I decided to leave human relationships behind for a while.. and i found joy in books and books. 2 pretty years of academic glory. I was still ignorant then. I was sucky as a person still. For a moment, i felt happy. To be free from feeling hurt and upset. I had no true friends still. Slowly, i made my first friend. He told me many things that made me realised i was hated to the core, actually. I decided to open up once more, so determined to change. Ironically, everything began to spiral downhill.
Friends has always been a worrying thing for me. Seems, love is much worse. LOLS, sigh.. somehow magically, i am able to chuckle at the thoughts of my life.. how silly and dumb i have been. I always admire girls who have their own clique, well.. it's actually those you read from storybooks. Sleepovers and gossips till late in the night. They were like friends for life. Confidante to one another. They do everything together. So much so that even if they were to get ditch, they would get over it in no time- they had lovely girls around them to bring them up..
Well, i thought i made one really nice pal. I thought there were no secrets between us. I thought i no longer need to envy others. I have my own 'trusty' girl. HAHAS, all was a joke. A DAMN FUCKING big one, indeed. I was played down.. so down i looked at my toes all day long. I fought for my rights initially, of course. That's human instinct. LOLS, i was wearing off as time passes. She just had some kinda magic with people who slowly became HER. one of a kind. well, i dont possess such lovely magic, that's it. I gave up. I gave up completely.
I thought human were all sick. so ugly that i just cant think of how worse can people be. Somehow, i choose to believe again.. #1 was full of misunderstandings. Mayeb we were young still. We always THOUGHT we knew how to handle things, we were actually stupid in it. Maybe it was due to my wonderful past, i see motives more clear than anyone. HAHAS, i told #1 then. I was just plastered with 'full of suspicious'. i had forgotten if i had wanted to cry or laugh then. #1 ended soon with a promsie made. It was clear, the promsie was broken soon after.
A month of rehabilation, i was fine again. I was really fine. Maybe i was a cat in my past life, I wouldnt let it rest. Yes, i know i have been let-down, but i refuse to lost my beliefs and faith. I entered once again.. #2. Full of promises, full of dreams. I held myself back initially, for fear similiar things would happen. But i gave my all as it goes.. it was really my all. all. Pretty moments, lovely words. It was just so not meant to be. Everythign was a blur till now. Man, this time really took my breath away. I hardly am able to stand up. Thousands of promises, all gone in a *poof*.
I was optimistic about everything still. I am down and out, im terribly weak inside.. i am determine to stand again. Frankly, i've lost my faith and confidence to do so.. the fear is just so unimaginable. sigh, but i think i am able to..
So many things running through my head now.. I feel like i've been left behind by everything and everyone. I want to grow up, i seriously want to. If i had been strong and tough, i wouldnt need to rely on anyone- to get my heart broken by so many people. If i know my forte, at least it's something im proud of, for myself. Now, i cant see my worth. What am i good at? Why am i so easily bullied? Am i the tool for push-arounds? why am i so easily taken advantage of? If i'm sensible when i was younger, maybe i wouldnt have fooled around so much, I would have ask for more classes to hone my skills. To make me a much more useful person.
I dont want to rely on anyone anymore. i want to be strong, be strong. i want to be independent. I want to be someone im proud of..
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