girl, you're nuts

awesome 18

beautiful suspense,
my greatest love!

Cry - Rihanna




friday 5th june.

it was the final time that i was dancing for the college. i had a new feeling towards the performance. though i made mistakes; lose my counts and focus, any trace of disappointment evident, was not directed to these reasons at all. not a bit. the overwhelming disappointment came from the fact i do not know my reason for performing. for who? they arent my parents; majority are strangers.

dont tell me that shouldnt be the attitude of a real dancer- no matter what kind of audience sat before you, you dance like queen elizabeth is watching. im sorry, but im just not that great.. wouldnt it be great that someone remembered that you danced? even if it means to laugh at your awkwardness, at least you are remembered for a dance..

im upset, definitely. disappointed bursting the max perhaps, 'cause it had been so long since this kinda familiar and stinky feeling last evaded.

and i thought we dont go back on our words..

that aside, i came to realised if life allows me to dance and nothing else.. i would just love it and excel. haha, sounds 'oldies' but yar. moreover, i love the company- bubbly bunch of prancing beings.. lovely! and definitely i miss coach like helll yeaaaaaaa.

i would love to sit in somedays and just see dance. it's the best relaxation i can ever have!

well well, what's without pictures right? head on to facebook, tons would be uploaded there i guess.. NANA, im waiting huh! :) '08,09 <3

everyday, the avoidance sydrome mounts despite knowing the fact it's fatal to leave it as it is?
my books are growing more like strangers to me and it's stressful. im losing but that doesnt mean i suck, and you dont have to be nasty to brag your win and your supriority. im becoming more like a dull ass surrounded by shit; whiney and just clueless about what to do? growing increasing tired about stuffs, i sometimes wonder what do i have to do when a whole long list of stuffs are right there piled up. maybe the words etc etc etc sum up best.

it's like ahhhhhh, help! but what, and where specifically? i dont know.

NLT is the next sensational thing! this band exists like for a looong time ( i think) but i just got exposed to their music today. only today! 4 members, and i got drawn to one- JJ. at first, i thought they were like backstreet boys, nsync rather? which until now, that thinking still stands. there's just some similarities among these bands. One thing for sure though, NLT dances reeeally well. check out JJ's moves in youtube (JJ bursts a move!) and some live actions. i've got a whole playlist of their music which i just compiled. awesome!

now you know what i mean? :)

NLT- not like them


when yearning for the care, love and concern doesnt reap any happy notes;
that's the sign that reliance is foolish;
when you're screamed at time and again,
perhaps like a verbal punching bag,
that's the sign that independence is a desperate need.
If that's attain,
you're in control of everything.
you can slap the mouth that bit you and probably rip it apart too.
to embrace fear is part of the despearte need.
to forgo some humanity is the opportunity cost, i suppose.
just heed the long stated fact that silence is golden.
let your actions prove it?
not after lots of misunderstandings and mental struggles.
quit hoping for a helping hand.
the best would be just cry through your pillows
cause your wails are muffled, and no one knows.
then bring on the mental fight,
and the cycle continues.

as you can see,
my reservations still exist.
if not, i wouldnt talk as if im a poet.

it's hard to be happy when you're a messed up shit.

to know that someone that distant cares for you so much- a touch of concern, a word of comfort, tears of worrying for me is enough to make me well up too. Ever since these actions were shown, i'm trying my best and am strongly doing so as not to dwell and swim in my misery that long. Everytime somethings put my efforts down and i feel like giving all up like a loser, her tender expressions would flash vividly in my mind and i'll kick the latter out soon enough. perhaps, i force myself not to forget her actions- they are my strongest source of motivation and that's what im going to rely on now. thank you coach, i bet you wouldnt know how deep an impact you left in me with your simple gestures, but they really do help..

it was only then i realised i do have many people who care and love me (sounds cliche, but it's my thoughts no doubt). i have wonderful friends; teachers and definitely the first class family. i love the way every individuals are, in my life- they are cute and funny in their own sense and definitely lovable in their own little ways.

now i learnt problems are just magnified by me myself, letting go a little would do myself much more justise, i feel. (:

it's terrible of me to blog like now when i should sleep. it's only 8 by the way, but it's j2 c'mon on- school's draining and my brain went dead when there is like 3 more hours before the last holy bell. vector class today on planes simply summed up the day as 'balls of fire! what the hell are the lecturers talking about!' gah, girl oh girl.. i better start working. the right way. go jasm, you have brains, im sure. :D

alrights, it seems some lovable hunks in my class got into a buzz over my words in the last post about pervert animals. guess i've ignited the whole thing. hahah. wells, i came up with what i call teh brillant plan. here it goes: the next time he aimed underskirt stuff in the lect hall, if he ever do that to me again, i'll ask- excuse me, whatcha looking at? anything nice? can share with me? oh? i cant see, tell me all about it you sicko sucker. tada! perrrfect.

boys oh boys. OOOPS, animal oh animal.. it discuss anything under the sun.. like what coloured bra girls are wearing on which particular day. MAN, you can be our personal assistant, ya know? like 'ma'am, u cant wear red today cause you wore it 2 days ago. must go for something more vibrant. black checked. purple checked. oh perhaps pink?'

gross to the max yo. i cant imagine what can i do when im pissed off i tell you man. and oh please, stop acting like you're damn popular and decent in front of your girlfriend. it's disgusting. oh yes, i did say girlfriend. surprise right? i have no comments about the girl, but the other half disturbed me so i guess i'll hold no qualms of my words. and yea, as i was saying.. i wonder what are their daily activities....

rights, civilised people- let's not carry on. we all know it too well huh.

right love, i'll shall revive this area huh. HAPPY BIRTHDAY FELLUH. YINGYING THE FATFAT's FRIEND, that's you. i wont forget how cruel you are to not leave me a slice of your birthday cake. it's chocz somemore yea?! but since tomorrow is valentine's day, i'll let you off on that huh. you must love the gift i MADE must emphasize- MADE for you. (:

everyone is like busy giving out love in terms of gifts today, and of course i do too. Who else can i shower my love on? i made all cards kays! how sweet of me. and they include my darling, lovely, handsome husband cum pal cum gayass AND most of all- he's a sexy dude yo- ANWAR, the guitar god as friends call him. hey you joker, you definitely have a success in life and that's you never fail to make me crack up. dude, i love you man. not seriously. HAR. The whole clique received my love today! Syaf's happy with the 'may you check yes juliet' words as i know the group's eyes are on 'juliet.' Mega got his specialised 'chic magnet' written by ME, so it's a fact now; afro! his is the only card with my name in some stickers. i wanted to try out, you see. sorry dude! MAN, now i feel that's a little gay? no wrong, like very. hahahas. na, i hope you pay attention to the 'i heart you today' words instead. yea, so that would be tomorrow. i might consider hearting you the whole year pal, if you fulfil my wish. PLEASE!!! i wanna hear you SING on my birthday! yea, people say afro's voice will melt anyone! PLEASE, afro! :D arief, sally too got my love. i remembered nareyn too! i gave choc! and that were the guys! i gave the class chocz too, but was terribly sorry coz i did not buy enough, so i just have to give to closer friends. damn, it sucks but let's make do with it. i didnt mean to leave out some classmates (sorry guys! i'll love you people more with extra toppings!)

But in such a joyous day, i deliberately left out a bustard WHICH should just..just..DIE. He's a lurking pervert which is a threat to girls in MY CLASS. maybe who knows, he'll target the guys next time. IM GOING TO ANNOUNCE THAT HE SCARTHES HIS DANG DANG OPENLY FOR ALL EYES!! and he's a super predator in lecture halls. girls, get away from him as far as possible. IT waters over girls' legs like they are the the nicest food on earth. toned ones he aim, short ones he aim, even fat ones he want them all too! sicko to the max! I HATE HIM LIKE NOBODY BUSINESS.. YUCKS.

oh anyway, happy valentine's day! im so going to bed now. my bags are so bad, i think they kena drag on the floor everyday.